For those who are still looking for that something more...

Today, 8th of July, marks the 3 year anniversary. That is something special. Can't believe it. Whoever knows about me knows what I mean.

Times are changing so fast. And I'm still looking for what feels perfect. Deep inside me I still don't feel whole. Complete. There was this magazine I read the other day at work, it was about merging with your self. About being a complete, round, solid person. To put the "I" into oneself.

This was very interesting to read. Mainly because it said the things that I basically knew, but nobody seemed to utter these words in a scientifically valid way. But now it's open to everyone. The magazine said that we all have different drives. Some people are looking for a social network, they want to feel taken care of, so they fit into social jobs. Other people are looking for power, but not in a selfish way, more in a way how they can take part in changing the world. Yet another group of people are performance people. They are not looking for power, they are looking for doing well and achieving something.

When I read through all this, I realised how much I would have needed this before, and at the same time I realised that all of this still doesn't help me. It is not that I have not asked myself what is the right job for me. There are ideas I had, but there was always something in the way. I was once a very creative person. I had ideas of creating movies, music, video games, and I could name all the ideas I would put into one of them, and I always thought:"Let me do it, I know what people want".
A lot of time passed since then. I gave up these dreams because they were always associated with one of two options: One option is to go the wild way. Castings, going on the road, sending your stuff in and hoping for good answers. Just the way where you are not trained in any way, you just try your luck and hope to be picked as one of millions of people who try. The other way is studying, because you can study music, you can study movie/theater-related stuff, you can basically study anything. But both ways didn't sound appealing to me. It never seemed right. I neither had the courage or confidence, nor the time (that's how I felt) to study my ass off for 5 years or to dare to go the wild way.

The scary part is that once you enter a way, you hardly can escape. Doing a training once already means that you are most likely to stay where you are. Even the magazine said that personell managers rarely accept people who completely changed their vocational identity. I'm afraid of being unhappy whatever I do. If I'm not happy, I might not be able to get a job in a different field.

Somehow I feel left out again when I read this. It's like everyone can just listen to the inner voice, but I can't because life just doesn't work that way. I can't just do a job training as "millionaire" or "music star" because this doesn't work. I also can't just go to a video game company and say "you know what, let me take over from here". And you know, whatever you do, you always need skills that I don't have. If you get involved with video games, you need to do programming, which I suck at. If you want to study music, you need to learn all the tiring details about classical composing, and I don't have the nerves for that. And this is how the list goes on. I even gave up once and said to myself that I will go for foreign languages instead, because at least I was good at school in English. But what is the next shock? There are practically no jobs that are only foreign language and have a good perspective for the future. One reason: There are always better-educated people who know more languages and have even studied (!). Another reason: Languages alone don't get you anywhere. You either combine them with other stuff (tourism, economy) or you let it go.

So in the end I went a way that now, I rather doubt was good. First I went to a school that trained both foreign language and business-related stuff. After one year I stopped. Now I do a training that's totally business-related, and the only way it relates to what I actually wanted is that foreign language skills are helpful. But it's not even the case that they are a primary function of the job. They are only one side skill. It's like becoming a psychatrist when you're actually into religion. It helps but it's only one part of it.

It was always hard for me to imagine being happy in a job. This idea of going to work in the morning and coming back when the bones and mind feel tired. I have nothing against temporary work like this, when I know I can expect something better, but this is just where I'm not sure. I don't know how often I have to switch companies, countries, sectors before I end up in a good job. I don't even know what I'd enjoy. Somehow I enjoy working with people, but on the other hand I also shy away from others and my social skills go to zero. Another example of two factors eliminating each other. See, I have lots of them. I am not at all a complete person.

They also showed two pictures in this magazine of what characteristics a complete, integrated person and an incomplete person have. It discouraged me because I am the epitome of the incomplete person. Mistrust, fear, insecurity, hesitancy. All traits of the incomplete person. I could basically recognize -ALL- the character traits in me. The only positive side I could see was the inner calmness I often try to achieve.

Somehow I feel sorry about my self. Yes, not about myself, about my self. I'm sorry I can't reach the part of me I need to be one with. I'm not sure how to reach the happy child that turned into something else. I am left with a lot of question marks, and when I look over to the other side of the soul river, I can only shrug because as both of us can see, there is no way I can do a social job if I am not a social person, I can not do video games if I can't do programming, I can't do music if I don't study painful theory, I can't do director if I don't dedicate my whole life to it, I can't be a writer if I don't study a thousand books. There is nothing I can be except for a mediocre person who is glad to live. I do realise there was once so much that I wanted. And I realise how I can't be happy only creating music that a handful of people listen (and the same goes for other things I do).

I want to do more. But how... and how with the little self confidence?

Only one hope was in this whole article in the newspaper. One scientist says that a love relationship is one very good road on the way of becoming yourself. You grow towards the "I" in the presence of a "you", so to speak. And I get that, because it's where you can be yourself and don't have to act. Maybe private life is and was always my last hope anyway. Miserable working life, happy private life. Let's hope for that.



"Ich warte schon so lange auf den einen Moment
Ich bin auf der Suche nach 100 Prozent"

A rant about stupid people

How could 4 weeks pass since my last blog entry? I wanted to update a while ago already. But it's okay, I like it when time passes by quickly when I work.

Today there was another incident on the bus. As it turned out afterwards, 5 people left the bus at a bus stop. The funny thing was, none of them felt responsible for pressing the stop button in time. One person pressed it eventually, but that was so late that the driver just managed to brake and come to a halt several meters after the bus stop. I know drivers who would not have cared. And in that case, the others either go silent in shame or they start screaming in panic. What makes me feel astonished is this lack of awareness or responsibility. As if everyone is either dreaming or relying on someone else.

There is another example of this attitude. One of our neighbours is a woman we can't stand. She is, as far as I know, some kind of teacher, maybe preschool teacher, and she is the perfect example of what's wrong in society at the moment. The way she raises her children is just.... argh!
Okay, let me explain it this way:"You will PLEASE not do that. That is NOT NICE. No, you PLEASE don't do that."
And the child says:"Oh yes! I will!"

And it goes on like that basically. It's not only how she talks, it's also how the children act. They don't feel that their mother is an authority to them. Once our cat walked near these children, and one of them had a stick in his hand, and he made this throwing movement as if he was going to hit or throw the stick after our cat. And this boy is only 6-8 years old, I guess. What makes children only think of causing trouble and aggression? I feel it has to do with the lack of limits. They want to be treated as children, but the parents abuse them as equal partners, asking for love and recognition and treating them like they are already adults.
I am not making this up, by the way, I read this in an article in a newspaper. It is true.

Well, this woman also has this strange behaviour. It's the carelessness in her, she not only doesn't really care how provoking her own children are, she also doesn't care at all what the neighbours think. Basically all year long, she has something standing around in the stairway. It's either a stroller or bikes of her children. Now, of course nobody can protest against these things. They are basically not okay, but who would go against a mother like that? Nobody will. Just because people would think of you as a Nazi or some other kind of unworthy being immediately. "Worse than Hitler", in other words. Haha. But the crazy thing now is, she even put her OWN bike there. And that's a huge lady's bike. How can she dare to do that? If everyone did that, the whole stairway would be full of bikes, wheelchairs, motorcycles and paragliders (okay, you recognize the exaggeration).

At least they are moving out. But I know that, where ever they go, they will never learn their lesson. And you know what I also know? IF, IF, IF I ever did what she does, I would hear a lot of bad things from my neighbours. Then I would be the bad guy. It always hits you, but it never hits the others.

Having children is a perfect alibi. When you have a child, you have an excuse for everything. It already starts on the bus. You have a child, so yeah, it cries like crazy and nobody can say anything. You can't turn off the child. So that's where it begins... and I think that's where some women realise that they can use this everywhere.
When you have a child, you have an excuse for not working, you have an excuse for skipping some people in a cue, you have an excuse for being treated politely, for being offered a seat, and so on, and so on.
I have no problem with most of these things, but I would at least appreciate if these mothers acted with a lot of respect and awareness of the things around them. It often feels like they lose the ground beneath their feet and feel like the world belongs to them. It's an overkill of female emotions.... oh no, I can't believe I'm going there again.

Well, it's true. First you get fed this shit about "the goddess in you", then you go through "the miracle of birth", which already makes you better than any man because they can only watch in awe how you go through pain they could not survive, then you become the mother goddess, the lion mother with her children who protects them with her life. Yeah. Of course that's how some women feel. And they also serve their country, keep the economy alive, they are the real heros. And men, they are so useless. Wow....

Some women are okay because they don't get carried away. They still scream at their child in a moderate way when it really does shit, and they also say "step aside" in the supermarket when someone wants to go by and the lousy child is standing in the way, staring somewhere with its mouth drooling and a finger in its nose. They also tell their children to get THE HELL AWAY FROM THE ROAD. Yes... I'm sometimes also astonished how much faith parents have in the car drivers. It's like the WHOLE damn society is thinking:"Can't someone else pay attention for me?"

And this is where it goes back to the beginning of my entry. People here are depending on each other. People on the bus depend on each other by not pressing the button. Mothers depend on other people to not kill their children while they don't even protect them, drivers who drive like crazy depend on other drivers who, if they drove the same crazy way, would collide with them, and everyone just depends on everyone else. The world belongs to those who take the lead. Or those who live according to the rules.
I know that so many bad things would happen if I was one of these careless people. The bus would keep going, I would drive the children to death, I would get into accidents, and I'd make all my neighbours so damn angry. I have had these situations, don't think I haven't. Yes, for example I almost drove some children to death, but luckily I'm someone who pays A LOT of attention. I don't want to imagine being some techno-listening-punk idiot who drives these children to death with 50 km/h on a parking lot.

The absence of mothers in life-threatening situations is inversely proportional to their unjustified feeling of superiority.

10 years ago

This post is about an event that took place exactly 10 years ago. It was one of these days like September 11th or the day that Princess Diana died, when you can ask anyone and they will know what they did that day.

I was in school as a 15 year old kid, having math tuition, when there was news on the radio about a high speed train accident. The guy who was sitting next to me shook his head.

The accident was the worst train accident in the history of our republic, and the worst high speed train accident worldwide. 101 people died, many were injured.

The circumstances were tragic. A wheel tire was so used that it broke and rammed into the floor of one of the cabins where people sat. These people survived what happened later, but did not manage to react well to the sign. They tried to inform one of the train staff, but it did not take much more than a minute for the disaster to happen. They could have activated the emergency brake, but did not find it. It would have changed everything.

Near an upcoming bridge, the damaged part of the wheel made some parts of the train shake, and then the broken wheel part hit a turnout on the rails which caused a part of the train to go on a different rail. Then it hit the bridge with such force that the whole bridge collapsed, killing 2 railway workers and throwing down the car on top of that bridge. News reports later assumed that the accident was caused by the car falling on the rails, which was not true.

Most people who died were killed either by the bridge or by the immediate slowdown from over 200 km/h to zero. The front part of the train was undamaged, one carriage ended up in the grass, 2 or three rolled out after the bridge, the train head kept driving until the driver was told he was running all alone. He had not noticed what happened, only notice some shaking and suspected a techincal problem. Afterwards he was so shocked he did not leave his train for 2 hours, and never drove again either. All the other carriages came to a sudden halt as you can see in the picture.

There was a documentary about the dead people, about people who survived and about families involved. It was a very distressing kind of documentary, they even used actors to play all the things that happened. Some people were killed who had not travelled by train for years. One man lost his wife because he had sat down on a different seat to lie down and sleep, and his wife was not even far away from him. One person reported that after the accident, he called a hospital to hear about a woman whose daughter was desperate to know how she was. He found out that she was alive and not in big danger, and he informed the daughter and the husband of the good news. Then, to his shock, he found out it was a different woman with the same name, and the real one was dead.

Yet another person found a body that was already covered by sand, and when he saw how the face had no ears, nose or anything, he was so shocked that he put the sand right back and covered the face again.

There were many stories like this. What matters is that people learned from it. The Inter City Express (ICE) now uses different wheels.

And it's a reminder to appreciate life. I didn't want to swap places with any of the people involved. What one can say is, we suffered with them on that day in Eschede. It was a black day for Germany.

To whom it may concern...

You know what bugs me? People who write news articles and make spelling mistakes. Or even putting wrong names in them. Like "Jorge Mourinho" instead of "Jose Mourinho". Or "Michael Schuhmacher" instead of "Michael Schumacher". They think they know what the people are called, but they are totally wrong and know nothing. Can't you expect from a sports article writer to know how the people he/she is referring to are called?

Much more common is that people make stupid mistakes like spelling or grammar. Most of the time words are double, like the guy is typing something, then he gets distracted, then he continues the sentence but types the last word he typed in AGAIN. And nobody reads through that article just once to check for errors. Sometimes they start a sentence, then end the sentence re-using a part of a sentence that was already used before. Or a verb comes at the beginning of the sentence and reappears at the end, making the sentence absurd.

It's okay that it happens once in a while, but I see this all the time. You know, it's not like it makes me angry in general. It's just that I think: Damn! Can I please have this job? Can I do this kind of thing to earn a living? Can you give it to me? I'm not even asking for more money, just let ME do it!
I would do it. You know, these people work on the internet, they have lots of readers, they get all the attention and often they can even really comment on things and not only have to convey facts. But the way some of them are is just unprofessional. I imagine it to be this way (and sorry again, I imagine they are all women):

A: (starts typing a sentence)
B: Hey, Angie, did you see my new shoes?
A: (stops typing) Oh! What? I didn't know that. They look cool!
B: Yeah, I was at this shoe shop with my boyfriend, but he was totally not patient.
A: Yeah, I know. Boys... at least you have a boyfriend *sighs* (resumes typing, but types one word again that had been typed before already)
B: ...Oh well...
C: Hey girls!
A+B: Hey! Nicole! How was your date last night? (A and B stop whatever they have been doing)
C: It was horrible! That guy was so annoying!
A+B+C talk for 20 minutes, then each of them quickly finished what they have been doing, adding lots of mistakes and leaving sentences unfinished.

Okay, maybe you get the idea and I can stop here. That's how I feel about these people, they sit in their office chit-chatting over everything and not even paying attention, and they are all women. Why women? Because of the way they write the articles. These articles are all about gossiping as soon as they are not mere news. You can read the bitchiness in the article without even knowing the name of the person, and you know there must have been a woman writing this. Just because of the annoying way it is written. But that is hard to explain.

Moving on... I'm trying to get a hold of my aggression. Haha. Well... it's easy to feel upset, even about little things. I discovered the only way to relax is to listen to very calm music. When I find something calm, funny or interesting, I put it as a favorite on my youtube page.
People can say that I just shouldn't be so angry. But that's too easy to say. I have aggression in my genes. My dad was a very aggressive person, even a drinker and a hell of a mad driver, he risked his life all the time doing crazy overtaking maneuvers with his children sitting in the car. Once he almost lost his life to it, and later vowed to take it easy. But I think he returned to aggressive driving. What matters is, I know where this aggression comes from. I don't think that I took it over from him, it's possible because children often solves problems the way their parents do, so it would be a way to explain, but I think it also has biological reasons. Maybe some kind of testosterone overflow, or just seeing red when things go bad. Something in the brain. I go berserk when things don't go well. If it's really bad, I get desperate attacks, I smash the keyboard, I damage the shower, I hit things and throw them around, there were times I was so desperate about my stupid homework that I got something like a nervous breakdown. And all the time I think:"I should be doing something more useful/fun right now".

I know I won't last long like this. But I'm not letting myself drown in the sweet self-pity of such a thought. I want to be healthy and not burden other people by letting them know I will die early, instead I'm going against it. There is a tendency in me to be peaceful, too. I learned how to meditate when I was still a child, maybe 11 years old. And I have started doing sports seriously. Not like before where it was just a phase of a couple of days. I am now doing bodybuilding. It has been 2 and a half months, so no fucking around, I got used to it. Today was the 51st session that I marked on my calendar. So far, I had about 15-18 sessions per month, so I trained my body sometimes 6 times a week, sometimes only twice, but I did it professionally by reading a lot about it. When I first started out, the exercises were pretty lame, I did the wrong movements, didn't know much about what matters. Now I know that it has to be done well, that I have to train all muscles and not only the ones I want to see grow, and also that the workout is only one third of the whole thing. Yes, that's right, one third. The other two thirds are eating the right food at the right time and giving the body a lot of time to rest. There is nothing more stupid than doing 2000 situps every day.

Now, after about 50 sessions that lasted between 5 minutes and 90 minutes, and after getting more and more professional at it, I can already see I did some improvement. There are muscles I didn't know of before, when I pose in front of the mirror, it looks nice, and I also lose some fat. Because that's part of it, too. You can't see certain muscles if you have loads of fat over them. I am still overweight, so I had to change my habits. I banned chocolate from the table, and to my surprise, it's not even a torture to the soul. I used to be a sugar junkie, but now I realised that these crazy hunger attacks disappear when the blood sugar level is normal for several weeks. I can only recommend to take that into account. Eating sweet things makes the body get unbalanced, and then it will try to decrease the blood sugar level, then you will suffer from an extremely low blood sugar level, and then you feel hungry for chocolate again. I eliminated this problem, and now I am barely even hugry at all! I can almost eat nothing without noticing it, but again, that would be wrong too. If I eat too little, my body goes into the saving mode and consumes less calories. So I need to force myself to eat a little at least. But that's okay, I like cooking.

Enough of that. I'm curious what it will be like in 6 months if I can keep this up. It's even okay to have a break once in a while, but I need to make sure not to injure myself.

Hm... We are reaching the end of May. The winter has died. Summer will come sooner or later. I guess it will be hot like hell, but won't last too long. We will see...

Human behaviour

In the last two or three days, it happened several times...

The bus has been at the bus stop for several minutes and is getting ready to leave the place. Suddenly a girl or woman jumps up and screams:"Sorry? Can you open the door? Can I get out?"

Looks like female impulsive behaviour. The female subject has noticed has noticed a fellow female and now has decided from one second to the next that it has to leave the bus immediately, though there has been enough time to get off the bus during the normal stoppage time.

So what's typical for male individuals? Maybe this: Two guys are on the bus talking like they are the only ones, suddenly one of them screams:"HELLLOOOOOO!!! We wanted to get off!" The bus driver screams back:"Also HELLO!" and stops the bus immediately to let them out. Either the bus driver was in a coma vigil and didn't notice he should have let them out or the guys were so busy talking that they didn't hit the push button. In any case, it means unnecessary stress to the conspecifics.

I think there is no better way of demonstrating and analysing the human nature than the everyday life events on a bus. Being on the bus is like being in the jungle. This is the real place. You can't be closer to the real action. You see all the behaviour, matching, fights, conversations, body language.

It's always great to see what's special about females and males. Of course, I can't go around the fact that guys sit like they are giving birth. That's just true and I don't know why it happens this way. Maybe they sit in an unhealthy position when they are somewhere else so they squeeze their testicles, so they need to give them extra space on the bus. But I don't think so, it's just a very strange kind of sitting position. I wish I knew why they have to sit this way, I know it's comfortable but there are only few girls who sit like this. It's just like a guy seeing another guy and then wanting to get off the bus all of a sudden. It just doesn't happen!

Or going to the toilet in public places. Would you ever expect a guy to say:"Do you want me to come with you" when another one says he needs to go to the toilet? That would be more than awkward. But it's normal with girls.

Then there are also the psychological differences. Girls permanently consider themselves more ugly than they are in the eyes of the guys. They also constantly eat less than they should. I'm not sure what's the counterpart on the male side. Maybe the fact that they misinterpret everything. Guys see sexual messages in almost every kind of body language. Every look from a girl can mean a lot, and girls who just want to be friendly are mistaken as totally interested. This is based on the problem that guys are the ones who, as society wants it, are supposed to make the first move. If a guy can only guess and guess and guess, it's hard to say if he has chances, he can not expect a girl to go ahead and say that she is interested. At least that's the biological rule, it seems. And girls, they are programmed to only be looked at and being romanced, so they are in this passive situation where they need to look good, and good is never good enough. Hence the feeling of ugliness.

So many things would be better if people overcame their biology. Girls would have to become less dramatic, more sensible, logical, responsible, practical. Guys would have to open up and show feelings, not always play the hard ones, allow themselves to cry, and also not have this you-don't-understand-me-anyway-and-it-feels-good-this-way attitude.

I don't think we will get there so soon. This society is not ready anyway. It's still normal for a woman to have a part-time job all her life because she can "hide" behind her status as a mother. A guy will be laughed at for asking for such a thing. Guys need to be real men, they need to defend the family like wild lions, as if there is a need to display manhood. Man, they need to be so tough, if it gets even tougher they turn to stone.

There is also this tendency to go back to the roots. There is one author, a woman who made career in the showbusiness as a newswoman on tv, who promotes the "eve-principle". That means, going back to being a real woman, in the kitchen, with children. I have no problem with women being women and men being men. It's very rare that men get pregnant, so there's always a point where men will be men and women will be women. But you don't have to overdo it.

Okay, now the quote of the day for each of them:

Men: *Rooaaaar* Be a man, man!
Women: Discover the goddess in you.

No, don't ask me what it means. This is the only bullshit I remember from tv advertisements.

Moments that leave you speechless...and the blood boiling to the ceiling

Let me tell you something that happened today. My cat choked on a blade of grass that she had swallowed (at least for the third time in her life now) and we had to take her to the vet, on a Friday, after 7pm.

We went there and didn't expect that many people would be there, the place was already supposed to close down for the day. We sat down, and other people were around us, still waiting. One of the people working there, a former classmate of mine, recognised me, smiled at me and said that my hair was so long. Very nice of her and it was funny how again people are so happy to see me.

Then happened something that makes me wonder what is wrong with this world. A couple entered the room, they had a cage with a cat with them, and they sat down. For a split second, I thought about saying some silly thing like "are you here because of a blade of grass, too?" but I kept my mouth shut. Later, when someone said "next one please", both me and my mum, and also the other couple stood up. I looked at them in confusion. Then the woman said "we were here first". My mum and I were more confused and my mum said that we were first. The next sentence coming from the woman was:"that is wrong, but go ahead". It made me kind of angry, this attitude of complete make-believe perfection, the arrogance to think that they are right, but they are only stupid. They were the very last ones to enter that vet place that day, nobody came after them, not a single soul. How can they claim to have been there before us?

It makes me wonder, are people completely idiotic and at the same time insisting in the most arrogant way, or are they calculating, manipulating and evil? Did they expect to fool us because we look like stupid, weak people?

There are so many more examples of this kind of behaviour. The worst thing is the way I feel helpless about it. It's as if I'm the last person who was raised differently. As if I was the last person who was beaten as a child and taught to follow authorities instead of rebelling against them. Most parents nowadays, let me tell you, raise their children in this "please don't do that" or "you won't do that, will you" way. Not in the "stop it, dammit, you idiot" way. I'm not saying that the latter is better, but this is the way I know and though it damaged me immensely (together with being beaten up), it at least made me a bearable part of society. Not someone who you have to ask twice to give way in a grocery. Or to help if someone needs help. But today, people are really, really different. Not only children, also parents. As if I was raised in a family from the beginning of the 20th century.

I don't want to be mean and prejudiced, but there is something about a lot of women that I don't understand. I've mentioned the example above, that was also typical for a woman and is hard to expect from a man, don't ask me why.
Another example is this (and I ask you to imagine this vividly): I am in a grocery, holding a bag full of things I just bought. I'm walking towards the exit/entrance area, which is kind of narrow. Near a stand of postcards, I get stuck because a woman with her little son is approaching me, and for some reason, she has to stop right in front of me and do various things, like looking around, talking to her son, etc. Not for a single, not even the slightest moment, does it seem awkward to her that I, as a total stranger, am standing right next to her and her son as if I belong to the family. It simply doesn't matter. I stand there and stand there and every second I think:"Now is the moment. Now is the moment that she tells her son to move away so the man (me) can walk by. Now comes the moment". But it doesn't come. This woman is too busy daydreaming or talking to her one and only sweet sweet boy.

Another example. I'm in the car, driving towards a crossing, and if other cars approach, I know I need to give way. There is a car coming around, so I stop my car to let the other car go by. But the car gets slower and slower. For a second, I think, maybe it's someone who doesn't know the traffic rules here, but that would be okay. But no... the car stops right in front of the crossing, without even giving any signals, and an old woman steps out of the car. Shaking my head, I hit the gas and go by once again. I can see that a woman is the one behind the wheel.

You know, the question I have is: Why are women so emotional, so caring, so "I feel so many things, and I want to know how my dad, my mum, my siblings feel. Everything is about feelings", yet they can't even act according to everyday life situations. Sometimes they are in their own world. And then it also happens that they are so into their own world that they start imagining things (see the first paragraphs of this text). Why are women all about feelings, yet they can't sympathise with strangers? Like:"How does the other driver feel if I leave him in confusion?". Don't we have feelings, too? Oh yeah, blood boiling feelings.

I really don't have a problem with women, but sometimes they freak me out. I think if I was a woman, I would really be stressed out because it takes so much concentration to just not get in someone else's way all the time.

Okay, as you know, I have problems too. I think I need some sort of therapy. It's the stress. I get totally angry easily, I feel stressed easily, and I get scared easily, AND I'm paranoid. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and die of exhaustion at the same time...and the muscles that ache the most are the shake-head muscles.
I won't get very old this way, but I don't want to die too soon. Something has to change, also for the sake of the people who have to tolerate my behaviour. How do I go about this at all? I feel like everything is in my hands and up to me all the time. I can't allow any mistakes because I feel embarrassed often enough already. I have to pull myself together, and at the same time I can even feel scared when I hear a leaf falling off a tree (no joke, it happened one night).

The discouraging thing is that I do sports, I take baths, and it still doesn't really change much. And apart from that, I tend to feel hopeless about life. Life is only short joy and lots of Tristesse.

Ira is right. Everything is not good enough for me. The best is just good enough if I'm lucky. Maybe I ask for too much, but what can I do when the standard for happiness is set so high?

At the moment I already appreciate if strange people (women and men) don't make my blood boil... and not to mention my cat that makes stupid things on a Friday evening.
Yeah... sometimes I could cook noodles in my stomach, that's how I boil.

How many people read this?

Time to give this unloved, mostly unread blog another once-a-month update.

I have been in a new job for 2 weeks now, and I'm glad I survived so far. The first days were kind of boring, but this week flew by so quickly I don't even remember what happened. As if the whole week was empty and had nothing memorable in it.
But it's still hard to imagine that I can work so many hours a day all my life. I know it's worse in different countries and I know it has also been worse decades ago. And I also know that other people don't understand. There was this article I read today where some business expert complained that people retire into pension too early. He said that all efforts have been made to make work less physically demanding. Well, does he not get it? What about family time? It doesn't make me happy to be away from home from 6:20am until almost 6pm ONLY because it's not physically tiring. And there is also something that adds to the pain, it's this hole in the heart, the lack of meaning in our lives nowadays.

The only thing that remains is to celebrate the beginning of the weekend like a holy day (holiday). Going home after work on a Friday is the moment in time when the next day of work is further away than at any other point in time. Strangely, when I got onto the bus, some girls looked at me and giggled, and I felt like the centre of attention for some minutes. They must have found me cute. Hm... I wonder why it happens when I don't -really- need it any more, and doesn't happen when I need it. On the other hand I don't complain, it's a good feedback to know that I'm still interesting. Haha.

Some things make me feel calm, other things make me feel unhappy, others worried. It's not easy to feel pressure, anger, hope and happiness at the same time. It doesn't feel okay to be happy because I can fall into a deep hole again. And it also doesn't make sense to throw a good feeling away.

Anyway, I'm getting prepared for a new life of responsibility and work. I started physical training almost 2 months ago, and I have seen positive changes to my body. I grew muscles and lost weight at the same time, which is only possible with the right food.

I wonder what's going to happen in 3, 6, 12 months from now. I don't promise anything. I can fall, I can rise, anything can happen. I'll try to forget that so much depends on me. I'll also try not to assume too much although it's difficult. And maybe I will update this poor blog more than once a month.

A story about God - by me

When God created humanity, He thought:"I will keep this simple". So he gave Adam and Eve a nice garden to hang around, and told them that they can pretty much do whatever they like."Just don't eat from that forbidden tree, yo! You hear me?"

It didn't work...they fucked up.

Then He thought:"Okay, what they need is clear guidelines". So He brought them the 10 commandments and hundreds of other rules, and told His followers to live a life according to all these rules. But in the end, it also didn't work out. They fucked up again.

Some years later, God thought:"I will try the nice way, since they seem to be a little annoyed and confused about all the rules. So I will just send some guy who is nice and has charisma, and also abolish some of the old rules. But I'll make it look like they are not abolished, but like they are just 'fulfilled' by how that dude does things differently". So he sent a guy called Jesus to bring the people a lot of friendship, peace and hippie love. They were supposed to become good believers by not following 'orders', but by being nice to each other and having a really good time.

Well... guess what? It didn't work, they even became worse, didn't follow any rules at all and felt totally free of any obligations because it was all about love and friendship anyway.... and who doesn't love his wife and his family?

So God became desperate and said:"Okay, they just wouldn't listen. This time I will let some guy do it the hard way. He will conquer the territory all over the place and kill everyone who doesn't believe in me. Then he will establish a state with me as the leader. They are asking for it". And so it happened. A lot of new rules were brought into place, strangely some of the old rules seemed to come back, while others didn't seem to have anything in common with any of the stuff that had been there before. The hippe days were also outdated and forgotten. But at least, there was some order and some people actually started to pay more attention to God (whether it's by free will or not depends on the person).

In the end, it also didn't really work so perfectly because some people took the whole thing much too seriously and ended up using violence all the time, forgetting about the fact that God had just been in a bad mood when He decided to do it this way. Things got much worse again. So God gave up. Legend has it that He still accepts people, but the problem is He doesn't show which way is the right one. For some reason, only really weird people claim to have talked to Him in person nowadays. Not like back then, when everyone who claimed this had a book written about himself.

What's going to happen next?

You won't understand this entry if you don't know my life (just like every other entry)

Maybe the worst thing about not succeeding is when you've been ambitious about it before. When you feel that you are willing to do something, to take a risk you would not have taken before, and you already imagine the new situation and accept what it may bring. This month is half way over and I already had to deal with disappointment.

I also feel burnt out. Not only in a simple way, I feel sick, mentally exhausted. Stress is going to cost me a lot of life, and it's like I'm going to lose all energy sooner or later in life, unless I feel good about work then.

There is not much to say. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, but the only ones I can come up with get destroyed or seriously damaged by people around me who either assume bad things from the start, suspect me of bad things, make the world look very dark or who are just too careful to dare having (small) dreams. I'm not talking about miracles, just plans, and I'm aware that some things cost money and that I can't go on other people's nerves to make them come true.

I also feel deceived by that school.... but it's too late to say anything. The problem is that there is fault on my side for not being prepared. I'd not say that the blame is huge, but there is an amount of fault for wanting one thing so much that I neglected the necessarity of "Plan B". I'm also too slow most of the time and always do things later than other people. It takes me too long to recognize options or things that need to be done. I'm always older when I first do something than other people when they do.

If I had a self confidence scale to use for the whole year, then now the self confidence level would be very low. But right now I know the despair can get worse if I'm unemployed in August/September.

One thing that shocks me even more is how people scare me now about my life at the age of 67 (pension). They are already giving me the impression that I will die as a poor, old man. I'm not saying that I will ever reach the age when I can go to pension, because I pay tribute to my stress every day, but it's still crazy. I'm 25 years old, The first third of my life is over, and I'm already forced to think of the last third.

Lucky are the people who have a very solid life where school, work and pension go smoothly. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: It's so rare nowadays. But for me it really went a little too badly compared to others. But before I get into discussions with people saying that there are so many unlucky people on this planet, which I agree with, I stop here. This entry is too long already.

How real is religion?

Today I finished reading the first book of a trilogy about the three Abrahamic religions. Two more to go. It doesn't seem to me that a lot of things of my own perception changed after reading the first one, which is about Judaism. I learnt some things that I didn't know before, not only religious stuff but mostly historic stuff, and although the book is written in a very dimplomatic way, I find myself in favour of Israel more than the other side in the conflict.

There is also a different tendency I notice while reading this book, and I think the next two books will even make this impression a lot stronger. The things I notice are:

-Learning more about religions and the possible explanations of how things fit together (different religious opinions against each other; science against religion, God's perfectness against the holocaust) makes me become less religious in some way. It also takes away illusions. Basically, the idea that the world was REALLY created in 6 days and that God is a humanoid being that lives in the clouds right above us, those are ideas that you start to doubt when reading this book. Not only that, you also think about your own naivity.

-The more you find out about one religion, the stronger your opinion gets. You don't change your mind about one religion, you basically get the confirmation for what you already found out for yourself. I'm not sure how that goes for other people, but for me, if I have heavy objections about a religion or a religious idea, finding out more only makes it worse. Trying to be idealistic and allowing yourself to see things from a believer's point of view leads to feeling disgusted. Before I knew a lot of things about some groups of people, I had more sympathy in ignorance. Now I feel that I've done research that already explains what is wrong to me.


I'm not sure what is worse: The claim of various religions that they own the only truth and the only way to salvation, or the fact that there is so much confusion and no way of knowing who is right?
But here it gets interesting again because of what I read: Another idea that I definitely buried is the idea that anything comes from God directly without any delay. I don't believe that any more. Because whatever is not written on stone plates and instead on pages was written down by a human being. If you claim that something you consider holy comes directly from God, that is nothing but speculation. It is a very daring idea to believe that through all the centuries, the words always remained the same just for you to read them. What makes you think that people would care about you (a person who would be born centuries later) if -they- know what they are making up, changing, or writing down by their own inspiration and not God's?

There is a similarity between things I read in this book about the creation of the world and the creation of the holy books. In both cases, what you read is not necessarily what really happened. Okay, so it says how the world was created, but does it have to be taken literally? Is it still possible to believe it in a fundamental way after science has always proven things wrong and made clerics reconsider the meaning? Some time ago, it was outrage to claim the world was round. Nowadays it's a known fact.
The same way that the world was probably created in a way that it fits in both with religion and science (created over a long amount of time but -not- by itself) also goes for the creation of the books. I don't believe that books are written without intentions. What about the polictical dimensions in books? If God is so merciful then why do we find words about conquering land and making slaves? I think that the people who wrote the books had some ideas that they wanted to convey, too.

Whatever made the people write down that stuff, it is not the way many people believe it was. Also, many people don't know -how- the books were written. They were written over long periods of time, and in many cases the stories in there were about events that happened long, long before the actual writing process. In many cases it's only hear-say. And about the godly inspiration, who does not feel inspired once in a while? Who does not have dreams or other experiences that give a very special impression? Everyone is able to claim anything out of personal experience. I don't think God became manifest in front of every prophet before that prophet wrote down what was spooking around in his head.

The special thing about religions is that they work in a totally different way than most other things. When you have a job, you need to know a lot about it. When you have a hobby, you need to be good at what you do or know what you do. If you want to learn, you need to know the facts. But in religion it's different. Religion is passed over from generation to generation and it's only based on feelings, even instincts. People strive for something to feel good in. They want hope beyond death. It's the one thing that humanity is always after, because through all the progress and innovation, there is no way to make the clock stop ticking.

Not sure what's the truth. I'm still trying to believe in God, because if I'm wrong about that then I'm probably not going to suffer from it if there is just nothingness after death. But I don't want to have to do with the world religions so much. It makes me a little angry that other people are happy in this naive make-believe world. They are so well off. The culture determines the yes and no, the right and wrong, the do and don't. Is that how it works? Does God judge people according to their regional religion? Does it perhaps not even matter? No, that would be too easy. There will be big punishment for the ones who are just too unlucky to know the truth.

End of 2007

Not to forget another blog entry for this month. 2007 is coming to an end. It was full of events and emotions, though not quite as big as 2006 in my opinion. 2008 will also be stronger again because of unknown things in the future. I hope there will be progress because I don't want to stand still all the time, at the same time I'd appreciate not to give myself up for my jobs etc.

I don't have resolutions for next year because I don't believe that making resolutions just for the sake of a new year makes a difference. If you want to change something, you can start anytime. If you don't, then a resolution won't make you stronger. But maybe people take it as a moment to remember that there -is- a chance to change things, so I accept the possibility.

I've neglected music a lot recently. Long time since I played an instrument. I'm not into it at the moment, maybe it's time for some new hobbies, though I still need to finish some songs sooner or later. It would be a waste if the material that exists only in my head will not be born. Not sure what it is good for but maybe it will be some sort of legacy one day.

Happy new year to everyone. Be prepared for the crazy surprises, disasters and triumphs of a new year.

Sweet or cheesy

No, this is not about food. It's about phrases. Recently, I came across some videos, texts, ideas that deal with the expression of love. Or whatever it is that people feel when they come up with overused lines. There are so many out there, wish I could collect them all and go angry about them. Well, I will mention some...

I want to be a tear, be born in your eyes, roll down your cheeks, and die on your lips

Wow...seriously? I mean, you really want to have such a short life? If that can even be called life. So you seriously want to exchange your life as a human being, the ability to be self-aware, to think and feel, you want to give up all this and just flow down on someone's face? How romantic... and pathetic. Well, guess what? It's your lucky day. The magic fairy will transform you into a tear so you can roll down your lover's cheek while he/she cries because his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend has just left him/her. What did you think would happen once you're gone?
I found this cheesy line with the tear in some video, it was made by a girl, I assume, for her boyfriend. I don't have a problem with that, everyone has their own way of expressing romantic ideas. It's just that sometimes, things sound so unreal when you are used to more.

I'd give 10 years of my life to know your name

I found this in a magazine today. An excerpt from a novel or something. It was something in two parts. A letter written to an unknown girl that a tourist has been watching during his vacation. He is too shy to approach her, but he is infatuated. The second part is how she writes back to him.
Well, what can I say? Someone who does not even know a girl says he would give 10 years of his life just to know her name. This sentence is not only naive, it is also absolutely insincere. Who would want that? Who would want to die 10 years earlier just to know a damn name? I mean, if they are supposed to come together and be happy, then he will find out the name anyway. And if not, will he forever be unhappy for not getting to know her (or her name)? Even if he gets to know her, that's where it starts to get interesting. What if they talk to each other and after 20 minutes, he realizes they don't fit together and he was so wrong being so in love. Won't he pull all his hair out for being such a fool and giving the devil 10 years of his life? What a loser... Come on, children can be so naive, but not grown up people. People who write novels!

I'd do anything for you

Another example. This one is very common among people, and you don't even need to be very cheesy or romantic to say that. It has become standard, just like that "Oh my god!!!" phrase where people use God's name but in fact they are not talking to Him, they just want to say how amazed they are (by the way, how would you feel if someone always used your name in that way while you are present to hear it - must be irritating). Anyway, what does "doing anything" mean? People associate heroic deeds with this, as if there's nothing that stands in the way of love, like they are never going to give up. But hold on for a second. How far would you really go? If your love says "eat a piece of dog shit", would you do that because you promised you'd do anything? Okay, that does not happen in real life, but I think some other things do happen. Sadly they don't happen to everyone, especially not the people who use those meaningless phrases. They'd deserve it so they see how they mock people who really must face having to do a lot for love.

I need you

Okay, this one is not only very common, even I have said this a lot. But I also need to wonder about it. How sincere is it and how much do people need each other? The strange thing is, once you cross the line, it's over with the needing part. Someone can say "I need you" one day, and the day after it appears that the needed person has cheated on that someone. There won't be any "I need you" after that in many cases. And anyway, what does "I need you" mean? Doesn't it rather have to be "I want you to be mine" or "Without you I'm nothing"? Needing someone has to do with being very lost without that person. But it does not mean that there are no limits.

I want to spend eternity with you

This is actually a nice one. Because it admits to be cheesy, at least in the context where I saw it. It was in some tv show in Singapore, and it was obviously some comedy stuff. It's nice to admit that something is cheesy. And maybe that makes it a little more sincere, doesn't it?

I could go on and on. A good question to ask would be: What does "I love you" mean? But I've thought about this already so I'm leaving it to the ridiculously small number of people who read this to think about if they haven't already.
And why did I post this? I don't know... but my guess is I'm a little annoyed about the couples who are trendsetters in love, the ones who always impress other people so much that the standard is so high. Nowadays, if you don't throw roses at someone all the time or if you hate valentine's day, you're already a big loser. Why do other people always need to be so over the top? I know how some couples watch other couples, and then the famous sentence is:"Look! Why didn't you ever do that for me?".

Now it's almost December and Christmas is coming. We are soon going to celebrate a special day. It is the reminder for humanity to cherish the day when Jesus and Santa Clause saved the retail industry. Rejoice everyone!

Halloween was a joke this year

I found this ladybird just now, this morning, on November 3rd. I really don't remember seeing any of them before this year, and it's really weird that now one of them shows up. It doesn't stand a chance outside, and I don't know how it got here in the first place. Must have been here the whole night. Poor thing. No matter where it goes, it won't live long. Maybe if it finds the kitchen, it can live a normal life. Nature is really out of balance.

Many people have been talking about Halloween and I wanna do that too. Yes, it has become a big thing over the last few years, and thinking about the good old 80s and 90s, it's a joke back then. But one thing I really noticed about this American tradition that many of us don't really like is that it also depends a lot on the media. And this year it was really ridiculous and pathetic, because first the big tv stations made a big deal out of it (again), always using those trailers for their tv programme with screams, pumpkins, spooky houses and stuff. But then what? You know what happened? No? You wanna know? Okay... they showed some Halloween-related stuff on the weekend (26th to 28th of October), then it was over. Because it's not worth it showing the Halloween movies or anything related to Halloween on the Halloween day itself. It's what I call "blocking", several big tv stations showing crappy stuff on tv because they all think it's not worth competing with great movies, so they just show crap, all of them at the same time, and thus reduce costs. I found it funny that they worship Halloween because it's a season where they can get more people to watch their movies, yet it's not worth showing stuff in the middle of the week. That's where suddenly the commercialised, americanised, dramatised event ends. A Halloween in the middle of the week is as uncommercial as All Saints day. And I noticed that with the normal people, too. I saw some children dressed up in costumes, but only once the door rang, and I'm not even sure if that was because of trick-or-treat people. Well... see how poor it is. Halloween is only a shadow of its former self, even if the tradition is still growing. No matter what a hype Halloween is, it still underlies the rules of the market. If it's not a public holiday, and not on a weekend, it sucks and just dies away that year. Maybe that is the difference between America and Europe.

Hm... not much else is worth mentioning. I'm still in this translator job and it's still okay. I didn't encounter such big problems, it was still bearable so far. I'm even getting used to things and notice how I get better in understanding the context. I suppose this job is going to last until Christmas time, then we will see. Now I'm getting a cold though. But tomorrow is a day off. That's all there is to say for now...

Lost in translation?

Many things happened since my last post. I got a job, resigned from the job, then got a job at the same company given by the same agency. When I first heard about it, it felt like some strange joke. Very ironic. After quitting the first job, I thought I'd never go to this place again, never see those people again and whenever I'd smell freshly cut wood, it would remind me of a bad job... possibly of a mistake.

I returned to this work place now, but I don't need to shovel dust, lift wood boards all the time or understand how to do packaging processes while it's a freezing night and the wind is blowing hard, blowing away the paper that's supposed to be wrapped around the laths, boards, sticks, whatever. I'm a translator for some Canadian engineers. So far the job is cool, sometimes boring, but not physically demanding yet.

The vocabulary is a little difficult. There are words you just don't learn in school: photo-eye, grade mark reader, grader, planer, stacker, revolver lug loader, and so on. I need to understand some of the processes so that translation makes sense. But so far everything is okay and the job is well-paid, too. If it stays this way and I can cope with it, it will keep me alive until the end of the year. But that doesn't mean that I don't expect bad things to happen. The train strikes can make it impossible to get to work, the agency I work for has strange terms and unfriendly personell, the engineers can say complicated things and ask me to understand things quickly that are just too much for me to understand. It will show how much I can handle. Right now I only wish that life itself will be very balanced so I can believe in what I do and why I do this.

I wouldn't have thought that, by the end of October, I would already have resigned from a job and gotten another one. Well, that's what happened and it's strange. There is only one thing that matters, though. And that is how much money is left after each month. Momentarily I'm in a good position. My expectation was that I would only be working in October, but not in September already. But I already worked in September and got some money. October is not over yet but I will earn some money for October that I will receive a month later (one of the bad things in this job).

The days are very long. I get up shortly before 5, and when I get home it's pretty late. I'm not sure but I think it takes about 1 and a half hours to be home when I leave my work place. That has to do with waiting times for the train, with walking, waiting again, taking the bus, and walking again. But it's basically okay. I still feel sane and emotionally stable. What I really need to avoid is that it ever makes me feel homesick to work.

Let's hope that things will be okay. I don't know what the money I earn is good for. I look at it as a reserve. It helps me pay things that come up... possible dentist bills, flight tickets, all those "only once" costs. If I live in a place of my own, it will also be a reserve for buying food. Even now I need to pay for food and transportation tickets myself. But I'm handling it.

That's it for now... I will remember that this is for making something good happen.

Check this out! Mario Kart Octo Dash!!

There's not much for me to write. I just want to promote this video a little. Please check it out if you are familiar with nintendo games. It's making fun of Mario Kart.

September is thinker's month. Two years ago my social year started, one year ago my job training started. All in September. This year a new change happens, the job training is over and I need to look for work. We will see what happens.

Return to the online world

Even though my frequency of blogging is not so overwhelming, the period between my last post and this one feels longer. I've had exams, holidays, a visit from my special someone, a broken computer and now school starts again. It is a permanent circle, it seems. Like the four seasons, there is also a repetition of once-in-a-year events. The waiting period has again started, and now the pressure will come back again. I need to start doing one thing and then the next, and hope it works.

I had many worries and a couple of hopes. The worries now seem out of place and outdated, but it's something not to forget because they were real feelings. If we ignore them, we ignore solving problems and working on improvements, too. But it's not a time to think only of bad things, either. For now I just want to finish school, and honestly I'm not into putting any more effort into it. Despite my earlier perception that I might be fully loaded with motivation, I'm once again in the end of term atmosphere. I want this to be done and then comes the next thing.

There's one thing about school worth mentioning, and that is that they prepare you for job applications and job interviews. We had two units today, one about the formal aspects of the written application, and one unit about interviews. The teacher mentioned what can be done wrong, what to do when a dove shits on your clothes just before the interview, how to present yourself to get a job, and also that the job interview starts when you enter the building and ends when you leave it, not when you enter the interviewer's room. Other things at school are worth forgetting, but I'll just leave it like that because soon I can concentrate on the future again.

The holidays were good. As expected it was not totally the same thing as last year, but in my opinion it was very close to what I hoped for. There were elements of all things that were necessary: Times for enjoying, times for serious thinking, times to leave old things behind by settling them. My family was a big distraction at times but they are not who I will spend the rest of my life with. I consider their critisism but I also know that what they sometimes perceive is only half the story and also totally exaggerated. They see what they want to see.

In the end I can say: It was good because it worked, in the first place. All I asked for was that. What happened in the end was then also very good because there was so much to remember. I keep finding myself thinking about how I should have stopped time from moving. Why does it feel this way? No... it's useless to stop time from passing. Doesn't work. Soon I will turn the page of my calendar, then there won't be any more reminders of the things we had on our schedule for doing. Crazy... two weeks ago was Ira's birthday. Five days ago we were still on that island. How can it be five days? Five days is one week of school. It may sometimes pass annoyingly slow, but a week of school still passes quickly enough... but being on the island feels like... at least two weeks ago.

If I find a job then there is a chance that I will enjoy life. All I'm asking for is something where I can earn money without having to deal with other people. That would be the best thing. Just doing my own thing and getting paid for it. No contact, no hanging out with other people, no homework at home. Just that satisfying feeling at the end of the month when the bank account has more numbers on it.

Alright... I'll write again. Soon it's thinker's month again. September, month of remembering and finding orientation, month of changes. When the first leaves fall and the sun turns to golden red, it's when I find time to let the past and future melt together.

I want to sleep until everyone shuts up

In case anyone ever reads this blog anyway except my girlfriend, I just want to post here to make sure nobody gets worried. Everything is more or less normal. Not stable, not absolutely positive, but at least I don't want people to think I'm going to die.

There is no continuation to the weird myths about the employment agency. Maybe they saw my blog and decided to improve their image. My advisor there today was a very friendly woman. She only made my strange behaviour obvious by repeatedly asking if I'm alright. I'm used to being considered strange. She gave me tasks to do so my mind is still not in a holiday mood. And maybe I will be so busy that it's not really holidays but more a lot of work. But before this sounds like a negative implication I will already stop talking about it. It is -not- negative. I'm just easy to be triggered by some things around me that cause this and that emotion.

Sometimes by clicking on a link to a blog of a person you don't know, you see things that make you speechless. And maybe shutting up is the best thing to do then. I wonder how so much naivity and blindness of the things in this world can exist. How can someone say things like that? Obviously because that person has never had a bad experience about her faith. What a nice trigger again. But as long as she's happy, she doesn't have to complain. I just wonder sometimes how people make their belief system so amazingly simple. Wow... just putting up a stupid sentence, adding a couple of conclusions and then calling it the truth.

I even talked about religion with my brother. I told him over and over how I hold on to the strong belief that nobody in this world owns the truth. And that I would always put the values of the old Greek and the later developed, secular societies (democracy, equality of men and women, freedom of opinion, freedom of speech) above the religious laws of ANY religion. There is no religion that would succeed in making a law for anyone. They would not do the ones justice who don't feel a sense of belonging to this law. Religions have forgotten to have absolute tolerance. I hold a grudge against their mistakes. But the thing that makes me sad is that I cannot open people's eyes.

I feel that things will be different after this summer. I'm not saying in what way because I don't know. I will keep on hoping and fighting for the best, but one thing I know is that I'm on the way of becoming a man. This is not one of these stupid, over-emotional, emancipated moments where one feels so over-special about being strong. No. I've only made the decision to represent what's good in me. To let my values speak. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking to be able to look into the mirror and say that I still like myself and that I support what I do. I will never again allow anyone to take that away from me. If that is okay to demand, then there is no problem.

The change between logical, calm, thoughtful thinking and emotional, stirred up, angry rage is becoming clearer. Tonight I noticed that I can even have both at the same time. I can be very angry because of a trigger, at the same time tell myself that I'm still theoretically willing to do what I consider possible to do, and again re-tell myself that, due to the emotions I feel, what I plan and acknowledge is possible in theory is absolutely unpredictable in reality. And then again, I reaffirm myself that it -is- theoretically possible. And furthermore, that I would easily do it if it was a little more simple. But that I don't take the blame if such an opportunity doesn't exist.

What looks as if I want to change the world is only an attempt not to be crushed. I added more lines to this sentence but deleted them again. Sometimes silence is better. I'm tired of typing things down that in the end are arrows that are directed at me. Whatever I say can mean anything, so why should I write mysterious stuff here?

I know that I do not know...

Please help me...

I cannot keep up with my quietness. There has to be another post again because I don't know how to handle my emotions. Where do I turn to with this? It's better to find a quiet place to cry. Maybe my bed at night.

Today started well, it's the first of three exam days for me, and today was also the toughest because there were three exams. They went better than expected and I would say really well. Well, that was the better half of the day.

The other half is that something came up from the back of my head again. I don't even know what it is, maybe I'm just wondering why I feel this mix of anger, fear, guilt and depression.

Anger because I can't have things as simple as I would like to.

Fear because I know what it's like to lose something that you've loved and that you loved all your life.

Guilt because I realize that I'm breaking down, that I'm the one who doesn't know what to do any more. And because I might have to rely on someone else while not being able to be of any help. If I even get to deserve that kind of help.

Depression because I don't know how to get out of this. There are two ways of feeling better, but they exclude each other.

Today was also the third time this month that I cried. It's a relief to cry and at the same time a terrible reminder of how things look inside. The worst thing is to get to the thought that it would be better to -die- than to choose any of the options that are available. No, I don't feel like killing myself although I imagine just running away and then being killed accidentally. Not my fault, at least I wouldn't have to decide any more. Sorry if it sounds harsh... if there was any chance not to long for this then I'd take it, but I don't feel that I have it in my hands.

What is my last resort? My last resort is that I either receive promises that I cannot pay back with anything I have, or my last resort is that I only -hope- things get better and remember that it happened before that something that looked impossible got more or less possible in the last second. That is not a huge hope and I don't know if I can invest several years of my life for hoping this way.

Maybe the worst thing is that it's unfair. Not only against me. It is unfair in every sense I can see. Unfair against me, unfair against others, it's against love, against a relationship that wants to breathe, a relationship that has the same right to be kept simple just like all the other relationships out there. And no, I didn't choose a complicated relationship... because I'm too different to get along with anyone here, yet not different enough to get along with the very different ones anywhere else.

I know what God wants from me. He wants me to be patient and to be good and to wait until it all makes sense, asking me to remember that it's not deliberate suffering He is forcing upon me but a plan that doesn't work differently. Yes, I know how all this works... in the end I'm supposed to come out with something that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. But well... I wonder how far it goes. Doesn't He know that I will reach a point where I have to disappoint Him? So many tests... and so many times that I fail.

What can I even ask for now... it feels wrong to ask for anything and at the same time I cannot go on without asking for some things. How I wish someone out there would know how I feel and not push away my wishes only because they own a different truth.

I'm going crazy because I'm desperate. All my plans that I've made for the future, they are starting to shake and tremble and threatening to fall apart. I may be exaggerating, but then why do I still go back to this point? I don't want to underestimate the situation.... my sensitiveness is too dominant and I can't lose myself to get where I want to get. That wouldn't be reaching the goal... that would be suicide. I must save myself, too.

I can only call for help... *sighs*

Hello to July

Today is Marit's birthday. Happy birthday!

It's the beginning of a month that's supposed to be the hottest, together with August. We will see though. At the moment it's more like autumn and at the same time the strangest July in ages. Possible that the next months won't be representative for other summers.

There might be other topics to blog about in the month of July. Maybe another episode of the crazy employment agency series, maybe something about final exams. But at the moment I take it that this might be the last entry for July, because events are very unpredictable and time-consuming.

I feel like this is a departure into some kind of journey I'm taking. So goodbye until I'm back with news.

Ready to fight (?)

How do I start this post?

I went through a lot of feelings today. And I don't think I really let out any of them so much. The part that is very hard to understand is what triggers a feeling. Why do I feel threatened all of a sudden, or why do I suddenly feel hate within 5 minutes and don't even realize where it came from or what the hidden trigger was. When I look back then, I can only recognize certain symbols, objects, all kinds of things, sometimes even chains of associations, like how a certain person symbolizes prejudice, at the same time a certain group, and this group is like that, and that goes on and on...
If only I could tell myself that my feelings are unjustified, what a great relief that would be. But the problem is that I won't be all wrong about my thoughts. I do realize that I'm wrong sometimes, but no matter how I turn things around, some things always stay the same. Like a cube, you can turn it around, it still has the same shape, even if you don't see all of them at the same time.
When I was very angry today I decided to rush into more craziness, so I watched a video on youtube that I expected would either make me more angry by confirming that my arguments are applying or it would disarm me. The video was mostly a guy standing in front of an audience talking about many different things. First my attitude was totally hostile and I was ready to use everything he said only against his position. Within a few minutes, he had commanded my respect, although in the end it was all relativized again so I'm not that much wiser than before. He got bonus points for pointing out the problem and that was something I admired, but later he said things that either sounded outdated, not entirely right or even highhly doubtable. Apart from all this, he promised to answer more questions than he later would, and the questions that were burning in me were not considered.

Some things are remaining and always will remain. There are facts that nobody can deny. One of them is that you cannot prove the truth. Sadly the reply will be "but I own the truth and I present it to you". But let's leave that out. Fact is: Nobody can know the truth for sure. Another fact is, there are several parties fighting and claiming to have the truth. They are all accusing each other of being wrong so the best thing you can do is take a huuuuuge step aside and look at all of them in a fair way. You don't need to tell your parents about it!

There is comfort and uncertainty in those facts. The comfort is that nobody can tell you "if you don't do this, you don't stand a chance". Because how would anyone know anyway? The uncertainty is that all can be right, all can be wrong. You either spend all your life trying to be good, yet you're not good enough, or even don't get anything coz what you hoped exists is only a fairytale. You can also do the opposite and then you are either lucky or you're not. Hard to say which way is best, being in the middle is probably not a good idea though.

Maybe I can relax because today I've made progress in my quest for finding a little bit of truth. Of the little truth that can be found, I might have found some. The only truth we can own is the truth of knowing that it is impossible to know. So everything that is based on that can be true if the thinking is right.

I've decided to argue if necessary, because I have a right to do so. I'm getting a little stronger and I noticed that it's better to do things the right way - and risk some things - than to do it the wrong way just to achieve something. Even -I- must prove that I'm not willing to let myself down, that's right. Maybe my enemies are not my parents right now, but there are still enough people out there who will be opponents. It doesn't have to be a hostile way, there is still space to argue. But conflict is conflict. I've thought a lot today and the outcome is that I'm more confident to just speak out how I feel and then we can see what happens. People either accept my thoughts and concerns, and try to do something, or they totally reject them but thus let me win the fight. I want to be understood and once I've made it clear, I can always fall back on that and say "I told you that this is how I feel. I'm asking you how we go about this problem now". It's a good thing to know that it's a strategy. If they offer a compromise or some kind of admission, that is a dignified way of letting all parties benefit. If they go straight against me, that will prove that I was right. I only need to prevent it from happening that people put me into the role of the commiter. It is not me who wants to rebel or disagree, I'm the one who is seeking for the right way to do things and I'm the one who's flexible within my own limits.

I'm trying not to forget what really matters. It's funny how people on this planet argue so much about something that people like me even don't care about the center of it all, the thing we argue about. The most personal things are being so politicised and taken in, even stigmatised with words that we feel disgusted. And it's all the humans. It was supposed to be that we all believed in God. Nowadays we can't even pray to God if we don't take a minute to think about how we call that god. What kind of god is it, what's the name?

That is one of the big crimes of our world. And another crime is how they make decisions for others. There could be no worse thing. I can only say it again and again, in my country it's the history classes in school where we learn what it leads to when all people just follow one person who says he knows what's the right thing to do. If you know what I mean. It's pretty simple. You just stop thinking. Other people can do the thinking. They burn the bad books and hold the good books high. You are only a small wheel in the machinery, receiving orders, so who should hold you responsible for anything?

I wish they would all shut up. I dream of a world where opinions are so widely spread that anyone can get along with another random person and that the attitude is not already visible on the skin or culture or background of the person. It's easier if people stop hiding behind their organisations. A world that is de-centralised and doesn't need spokespeople and opinion-makers that talk of "them and us". Man, it's a shame this isn't possible.

No, I cannot change the world we already live in. But I can say how I feel. I'm not going to be ashamed of my decisions, or even of my opinions any more. If I decide to hide things, then only if it's to my benefit and it's my own decision, and not because I feel afraid. I have to fight this stupid system. Not with rebellion... but I have to fight against the brainwashing that this whole system radiates. As if we have to be ashamed of what we are. I'm not going to offend where I'm not offended, I will only be honest and try to get my point across peacefully as long as my patience is still there. After all I'm human.

We will see anyway. The wisdom of the day is: People can only repress you if you let them. I'm going to rely on myself then. I don't expect anyone's mercy if my decision is not liked. But I'm not going to be the fool, either. I've played this game long enough...

Employment Agency: The Legend Begins

As a good reader you already know I've mentioned the employment agency before. Now I decided to name the posts after the agency itself because I think it will become a series of posts. Just to catch up with what happened, I will write down my personal history with them.

It started many years ago when I went there first. There's actually not much to say. Comments like "you don't know what you want" or "if you present yourself like this, you won't get any job" were the first encouragements I got. When I went there, it was always to receive information, but what I got was that I should look for it myself. Basically their only responsibility seems to be to get people work... but don't get me wrong, I'm only talking about the people who already sit in the offices of THAT building... not the people who seek help there.

Last time I went there, I asked for help in a way that I wanted to know what my options are. I was more prepared than before because I could say what I did, what I will do and what I want, roughly. Then this lady told me to wait for a phone call where they will help me out, I also mentioned I might want to have an advisory session where they help me (once again). She asked me when I have time to be called on a thursday, I told her, and in the blink of an eye I had a red piece of paper in my hands with the respective date... well, not quite, it was a tuesday instead, but mistakes happen.

Now was the magic day. One of the days that always show how well this agency functions. I was home early enough, and my imagination was that I would talk to a person who will listen to my problems, say that it's too much to talk about on the phone and that we should make an appointment for a real conversation. I knew from talking to the lady that I should only receive the call, therefore I thought all that would be there to do was to be prepared for the phone conversation in the same way that I had talked to the lady. Okay... the conversation went like this:

Me: *says my name*
Agent: Hello, I'm *very quick, not understandable words* from *can't understand* for work. You were asked to be called back, so I can note your details for being announced jobless *more strange words*. Do you have time now?
Me: Yes, I have time.
Agent: Where were you born?
Me: Leonberg.
Agent: ...Leonberg?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Your date of birth is 12 January 1983?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Alright. What is the number of your pension insurance?
Me: ......Oh........ I don't know.
Agent: ............................................... What is your bank number?
Me: Ummm..... I don't have that here now.
Agent: Okay.... what about your curriculum vitae?
Me: *Wondering what exactly he means about it. Maybe he wants me to have a completely written out version of it?* Um.... no, don't have anything available right now.
Agent: Hmm... well, you need those details. I should call you back another time. Is Thursday morning okay?
Me: No, I have school then.
Agent: When are you at home on Friday? Or do you have to work then? (Why work?)
Me: Oh... after 2:30.
Agent: Monday maybe, 3:30pm?
Me: Yes, okay. Um... so I need bank number, pension insurance number and what exactly about the CV?
Agent: Just what kind of work you had so far, what kind of training, and so on.
Me: Alright. Okay.
Agent: Okay, thank you. Bye.
Me: Thanks, bye.

Bureaucracy at its best. Okay, someone who's well organized would have known his bank number by heart. Someone who expects the unexpected or is experienced will have his pension insurance number ready. But come on, nobody who expects a simple phone call will have a list of work and training stations of his career ready just because that woman the other day said "you will be called back". I mean, I had no idea what to expect, and I actually expected something else than someone typing down my details so I can officially call myself member of the club of the unemployed. My central aim was not have to be unemployed, I'm looking for solutions. Now it looks like they either got it wrong, or they don't care, or maybe it's just a very complicated procedure that goes on and on with more formalities. I'm curious what kind of embarrassing situations await me, with more and more numbers, dates, details asking to be told, without me knowing them. At least this is how it works here.

There are other authorities where things work differently. There was one where I was shown what to do as if I was a kindergarten child. Even with pictures and everything. Amazing, I felt a little strange when that happened. Now it's the total opposite, lack of information, possibly lack of knowing what's going on there. They are so busy sending files of people around that the basic information, what does the customer want, gets lost on the data highway.

I'm sure I will write about this again. Will Mighty Mike survive the jungle of bureaucracy? What other authorities will make his life difficult? Does bureaucracy cause cancer? Who invented it? Many more questions to come...

Mouse in the house

My cat brought a mouse home and caused my mum to go crazy, screaming like a hysterical idiot. Very annoying when you consider that it's only a childhood fear, just like many other feelings imposed on people through childhood.

The mouse was very intelligent, it ran away to hide at places where it's hard to reach. It was also very fast. After more than half an hour of fighting it, together with a confused and very stupid looking cat, we had to give up because the mouse was nowhere to be seen. It must have escaped without any of us knowing.

Cute animal, I must say. Too bad that it's not compatible with my mum and the cat.

This entry shows that I don't have much to say. I had a dream of getting a test back which was graded with an E. Big shock. Let's hope it won't become true. Also some dream about my girlfriend that I can't recall at all, I only know there must have been something.

The first visit to the employment agency was okay, the only mistake that happened there was that the date the lady there mentioned and the date she wrote on a small card differ from each other. So I don't know which date she meant, I only know someone will call me on the phone. But it's okay, I know how hard it is to work in a service job, so I won't go against such people if I can. At least not them, but I will see what the job advisors have to say.

I have cardiovascular problems at the moment, when I get up from a seat, I feel dizzy, and in general I wanna sleep all the time but I can't. Not all the time but often. Not sure what's wrong, it feels like it gets worse year by year. Strange... and the weather isn't even so difficult, it's quite okay.

That's all for now.

A principle of life

Today I got reminded of one of the basic principles of life. The principle of "Something is always lying around where you can see it but when you are looking for it, it's gone". There are different levels of this. The most basic and most obvious way of it is when it's about objects in your house. You have lots of things lying around that you don't need, but they are there for a reason. Things like magazines, screws, certain tools, anything that might be useful but most of the time you don't need it. Then comes the magic moment. You remember reading something in book X, remember seeing the fly swatter somewhere (you need it at night when the stupid blood suckers come), or you look for hammer Y or screw Z because there is something to nail into the wall. But you look and look and the object isn't anywhere to be seen. That is the crazy principle. Whatever exists is only there when you don't need it and disappears when you need it. The level of human relationships that this principle applies to can be described with the words "Why do we never know what we got till it's gone". It's the same logic.

But it also applies for other things, like jobs. I want to explain this. In the last months I've heard it many times that there are jobs that pay very well while not asking for much in return. They don't ask for qualification, they don't ask for job interviews, they just take you if you're motivated. The only catch is that the work is boring, but that's okay because you need the money. I've heard it from someone at my former work place, then I've heard it at my school, even my mum's colleague did such a job! Okay... so I thought, if she can earn 2000 euros in 5 weeks, then I can do that too. By the way, her occupation back then was to put car seats together. Supposedly a very boring yet lucrative job.

Now I checked the internet sites of some agencies that deal with jobs, one of them being the site of our beloved, sweet-scented, dulcet, rejoicing employment agency. Oh, dear readers, these people are my soulmates. I can tell you, they are great people. How I appreciate their advice. They are famous for their encouragements such as "If you present yourself like this you won't get a job" or "You don't even know what you want" or "Why don't you just search for something in the computer?". *Sighs* How I miss their words. So competent yet personal and loving. I hope they earn a lot of money for their work. If I could earn my money like this, just critizising people and still wondering why we have 10% unemployment, I'd feel honoured.

Well, their internet site isn't great either. It's very confusing, undetailled, doesn't give you much information. Their search functions demotivate you. And above all, they don't seem to contain any of those wonder jobs that I've been told about.

Now I will do something I don't do a lot, but this blog will testify that I was right. I hereby predict that they will look at me in a weird way, laugh at me or tell me that such jobs don't exist when I come to them to ask them face to face. Okay, now you've read it. Let's see what happens. I think they will say:"Sorry, such jobs don't exist. Why do you think we have so much unemployment? If such a job existed, everyone would want it". Yeah, sure. But why do other people always seem to get those jobs and I only hear about them in legends?

Yeah, it sounds like a legend. There was a guy named William Wallace who earned 2000 euros in 5 weeks. They call him Workhard.

I'll see what will happen. Can't get rid of the impression that the bad employment agencies we have and the 4 million unemployed people are in some kind of relation... not only that they need to go to the agencies, they probably stay unemployed because of them. Another example: You search for "Job center [name of city]" and get hundreds of hits, yet the only thing that's missing is the address of THAT job center itself. You hear about the job center in legends, you read about it on internet sites, yet there is not a single link to this legendary job center. Wow... great public appearance.

I'm supposed to not start with conspiration theories because I seem to have the reputation that I see bad signs everywhere and that everyone is against me. You need to know this is really how I think sometimes, or used to think. It really gets to me sometimes coz some things really -are- strange. Anyway, I only wanted to state here what I predict will happen. The problem is there are only 400-euro jobs, but I want more, much more than that. Let's see what happens. I'm already looking around for my options.

Something wrong with me?

One worry comes, one worry goes (or at least there is hope). I prayed for some meaningful dreams, and without knowing I had one and later realized it. There is no reason to be overoptimistic, it's just that one door opened up today, and it is more the fact that some people were proven wrong (teachers, employment office) than the chance of making something possible. It only matters that there are options that make it possible for me to combine different things in the future. Right now it's enough to know about them, no need to decide yet.

That was the good thing. What gives hope is that the two things that came up today came in a way that's acceptable. The worry was an old worry, and when you think about it, you realize there is nothing new about it. It was there from the start and all that's different is that is has been discussed more. It is clearer now, or maybe it isn't? At least it is there now, where it belongs, so there is no way of saying it wasn't visible. The other thing is new, and it is a good thing. So what else can we ask for? Does it make it a good or a bad day?

I try to be careful. But what is that anyway... I don't feel so much wiser, somehow I feel broken and easily depressed, and most of all confused and sensitive. I'm not the kind of person who wants to rip someone's head off, I'm too sensitive for that. Not the kind of person who judges over people that way, though I judge in a different way, not with anger, more with feelings of stepping away carefully and with fears. It's never turning away, never. It's only a small child's response. I can respond with anger, but it takes different things for that. When I make an angry impression on the outside, it's only impatience or frustration. Inside what goes on is uncertainty and feelings of resignation, maybe that describes it.

We live in the present, and indeed it's May now. Not July. One day we will look back and see what actually happened. If the worries turned out to be useless like last time, I will take it easy, knowing I can't rely on luck all my life and that it's never bad to only rely on things and people you can rely on. I hope I will not find out my worries are justified. The option between those two is that it doesn't even happen that certain people show what they are capable of in a bad way. We will see. Still so much time to become so much wiser.

Right now the feeling is restlessness. I will also feel different tomorrow, but I don't know if I will feel much better, because I'm the kind of person who can't stop a question from being asked once it comes up. There's either an answer to it immediately or I comfort myself with something like "soon...soon". My comfort is that we can find out more before the drama starts.

Nevertheless, I'm sensitive because I can't stop feeling accused when situations like the one now take place. On the one hand I said what I thought should have been said, on the other hand I feel guilty because I seem to be totally incapable of understanding other people. Do I act like it's not clear though it is clear what I try to say? Did it help that I said something? Am I supposed to shut up next time? And apart from that: What do I say when someone feels bad, but all I can say is that it doesn't change the sad facts? Does it make me a typical guy if I don't know what to do with someone's feelings? How to react? I wish I could show the compassion I feel, but at the same time I feel the urge to convey that it's not a good time to be sentimental.

It's a curse when you feel like you know something, yet at the same time whenever you open your mouth it causes frustration. Maybe I should just shut up for good because I will see what I got. I will either see a good surprise or I will see that things go wrong if I don't assist. I seriously have to stop trying to manipulate the course of events. Whatever happens, it will lead to something good, I guess. We will be wiser. We will learn something.

Focus and distraction

I will post now so I don't miss the May post.

Funny how life always finds something that you can worry about, and even if it's the same topic, it appears in different colours and shades.

This is the right time to be aggressive and powerful, so depression won't swallow you. Anger is more useful than despair.

Amazing how some people do things you can only shake your head about. But then again there are useful actions to take against them. I think I will have to consider the block option too, sooner or later.

Possible plans for this weekend: Music. Reading. Watching funny clips on the internet that make you cry tears of laughter. They work against the permanent voices that try to turn you into a monster. Can't let them win.

What does God say when I tell Him that I think life is so much easier if you don't worry? Am I not supposed to worry anyway, does He allow me to take a break knowing that my life might be long enough not to hurry, what does He think anyway?

Funny and absurd how life works. At school I'm popular, people consider me to be likeable, I even come to think that my hairstyle has emphasized on my personality. Apart from that, it even happened today at English grammar classes that people react to whether I nod or shake my head after someone said something. So I'm their source of wisdom. Funny.

At school things look good and I never thought I'd say that school is a positive distraction. It's just like sleep because you let go of thoughts. If you're wondering about it, it has a scientific reason. Distraction of any kind allows the subconscious mind to process the data in your brain, and to solve problems.... like knots.

It's a good thing, this distraction. And sometimes we shouldn't be so hard on ourselves. We should even be modest. I would already consider myself lucky to have a good life and to be happy with the special person who doesn't have series (doesn't have to make sense in case anyone else reads this).

Hmm... long time since I wrote a song. Good therapy too. Ah... must relax now. Let a calm phase of life start so we have enough energy for the tasks ahead of us. Full concentration please. Here we go.

End of April

I should not let this month pass without writing here.

Life has been an up and down again. I guess it's the way it always goes, from birth to death. As a baby you cry because something is always wrong, to the dismay of the sleep-deprived parents, and as an old person you hope that your pension will bring you through the month and that nobody will take away your belongings due to debts.

We live in the most luxorious time ever, at least up to now. We have highly developed toilets, kitchens, tv, we can have rice in two minutes or we can order our food by telephone. Yet, this is still a cruel world even if there's no war, or people getting stoned....umm... where I live.

There are still so many problems and it feels "lonely" to think that I'm one of few people who really think about life the way I do. People around me can't stop discussing which disco to go to next weekend, I already think about what it means to leave this world one day, and what consequences it brings. I wonder how many times I need to walk under the stars until I can say that I've not lived in vain and that I've appreciated life enough to not cry tears of regret when it ends.

Life is still cruel also in everyday life. We don't need war to worry. There are wars though, invisible wars. They are created by the rules that the system created, like the invisible hands of supply and demand. A human being is only working substance, a working resource, material of which physical labour is formed. There is no space for sentimental thoughts.

Then there is also hate or resentment. People I consider close to me don't understand my efforts. They see a problem that is more important to them than me, so they think that I can just step back and mind my own business. They don't know that life is hard for everyone and that just because they have problems, they think that I don't have the right to get something. But it's hard to explain. It doesn't even matter coz hardly anyone reads this blog. I know that I must also be careful with who to give feelings like trust. Especially people who are somehow family but somehow they're not. Blood is thicker than water but that is not the appropriate sentence in that case. It won't be the same blood.

Enough of talking in riddles. Maybe the most interesting lesson came from school this week. The rule of capitalism: If everyone thinks of himself only, everyone is considered.