Failed

One of the feelings i hate the most is when i try something harder and harder-and fail. And i become so angry that my state of mind becomes counterproductive for what i am trying to do,so i fail more.
That i am empty and out of inspiration at music instruments wasn't new for me. And i know i have to live with the fact that i can't get the slightest new melody out of an instrument any more. Instead of this,when i try to play random notes,i end up playing the same notes or patterns all over again,as if i was magically forced to play the same stuff. Okay,i can live with that. Very good for my self-confidence in an ironic way. What i don't like is that now my whole head stops to be at my service. I have lost all my talent. I can't write lyrics any more. I tried hard,and i tried to think of a topic to write about,but even that is totally impossible. You gotta know,it's pretty hard to write a song even when you know what you want to write about. But writing a song when you don't even know a topic is impossible. More impossible than meeting a famous person.
So here it is, i can stamp "failure", "loser" or "uncreative" with big red letters on my forehead. Would suit me well. Argh!I wonder why this has to be. For every good thing in my life,i have to suffer somewhere else. The more i fail at this, the more i wanna throw away all my interest and passion for music. There are enough things that i COULD write about: The fear of the future,the quarrel with the awareness of ones death, the problem that we live in a world that forces us to believe certain ideas from our childhood on. Many things. But that's not where the writing process can start. I need concrete ideas for the song. With what words it will start,what stylistic means it will have,if it's a story,or maybe more a list of important words. Is "You" or "I" used in it. How do i adress the listener. So many questions. But nothing comes up and i'm sick of this. Music is not fun any more,not like this. What i have is a couple of so far unused melodies, i got some of them in dreams i had at night. But i'm afraid that my career in music might be over. I lost my talent,whether temporarily or not,and i'm about to lose my patience. I don't like to struggle all the time. I only do things that work at once. One of my flaws, i don't do anything that takes too much effort. That's something that explains me being suicidal at times. I tend to give everything up before i have to face a fight.
So what does all this teach me? That it's better not to try to write a song at all? Better wait for this once-in-4-months hit of inspiration? I don't know. All i know is that trying to write songs leaves a bitter taste in my mind everytime i fail. Music is supposed to be a pleasure for me,but i take it personal if it doesn't work. It's my personal failure when something like this happens. For a moment,i forgot about this. When i sat down to write i thought "oh it can't be that hard,and it can't be that frustrating...i must have been in a bad mood when i last tried it". But it's true,it really makes me hate this hobby.
Now imagine this was something i had to do to live from it. Most impossible. Under pressure i can't do this at all i suppose. Now i'm filled with hate,but i can't find words for it or notes. And writing a song about writer's block is more than poor.
So what is left to do when the intuitive,creative brain half doesn't work, and the logical,word-seeking half can't help either? All i can do is turn away from music in anger. But on the other hand, who cares. Do i need music to be happy? No. If it's supposed to be like that,okay. My producer couldn't write songs for a whole year once,and i think this time might begin in my life about now. Not very good for me, but that's what seems to happen. I can only produce some old songs i still have,then i've run out of ideas. Would be a good time to quit producer lessons, i could need the money somewhere else. A bad thing though. But i have to face a very sad fact: Since 2001 my creativity went down more and more. I wrote less good songs every year. I can't say it in numbers,but i know that's the way it is. Life has over-satisfied me. All that could be expressed now is beyond all expressable emotions,both good and bad. There's no words and melodies for my thankfulness in some things,and there's no way to describe the sorrow and the worries of the limitations of my life. I see them a lot and almost every day. I look into the face of a disabled person and think "that could happen to someone in your family too". Or i read about someone who died and think "you will lose people that are close to you too". Or i think of the small but depressingly unchangeable little things that separate my views from other ppl's views. And i think of how my parents and other ppl influenced me in such a way that i don't know what's right or wrong.
That's another topic at the moment for me. But i can't explain it. I drift away from everything, i'm lost somewhere. Maybe i should write a song about that...oh no,wait. I don't want to get into the mood to commit suicide. Coz that would happen if i go on with (trying to do) songwriting...
RIP songwriting career?