The torture of knowing too much,of thinking too much

Life is always moving in little circles. There's always a point where you notice you've c0me across a problem before,or a situation,or a feeling. My problem is that i think too much because i wonder too much about what keeps the world together and what the meaning of life is. The situation is that I receive something from somewhere that makes me think and then i can't let go of the thinking. And the feeling is that i become desperate for a moment and have to stop or i will become so depressed i'd rather kill myself than facing the problem itself (i won't kill myself).

How do i explain. I'm confronted by the question what life is about. It's difficult to talk about this, but lately i've become aware of how easy it would be to lose someone. Imagine anyone you love. Imagine the person you love the most,no matter who it is. Now ask yourself, if he or she dies, what happens then? Not to you, but to that person. What did he/she believe that happens after death? Does this person's view of life and death harmonize with your own idea? Will you see this person again?

You can keep on asking questions, i only gave you a few of them to think. Independently from what people i love believe, i don't have a religion or faith at the moment. I believe in love and i believe in some sort of good nature in human beings. The only thing i try to do is to live my life in the best way for others and myself. I try not to hate,i try to be helpful and good. And i cherish the good things about life,whether it's love, silence, or beauty. Or of course music.
But there's something that has to happen after life. If someone could prove that there's no god and no life after death (nobody can or will),then we all could at least know what we have and then we would know that our actions on this planet we live in,in the one life we have,define us as what we will be remembered as,and that we can only give a meaning to our life by leaving something behind for others to see. We could dedicate our life to what is most important for us, and everyone could see what we died for in the end.

But now the situation is different. We don't know what happens,and what we think that happens is a question of believing. Religion is just one part of it. It's not only what happens after life,it's also how does everything work. Is there destiny. Is everything destined to happen some way, why is there so much violence and so much disease and death in this world. Who is right and who is wrong, and how can i ever,ever be sure that what i believe is right. And if i believe in something, how do i know i won't be judged and sent to suffer a cruel punishment.

I'm a thinker.