Centum

Welcome to my 100th post! I will make it quick.

The following typos or mistakes were commited by my favourite website for spelling mistakes:

1. In an article about the weather, an expert said that as long as the days are longer than the nights, there is still hope for summer weather. In German, it would have been "Solange die Tage noch länger sind als die Nächte...". But instead, it said "Nächste", which means "next". But that doesn't make any sense at all, it's just a complete mistake. It's not even a typo because the letter "s" is not anywhere near the letters used for that word. That means that the writer was simply asleep or already with his brain on the way home.

2. A German football goalkeeper working in Austria was injured by fireworks during a match. In one article, he was called a former "Bundesligatrainer" instead of "Bundesligatorwart". So they made a former coach out of him instead of a former goalkeeper of the German first league. This time, it's again not a typo but another mindless mistake. A similar sounding word is used because the author only uses half of his brain to complete the article.

3. Another football-related article. A player has collapsed and almost died, and the comrades (Kameraden) achieve a victory in his name in the very same match. The only problem: The author of the article badly misspells "Kameraden" and turns it into "Kammerraden". Double "m" and double "r". This word makes no sense at all. I would like to assume that two keys got stuck on the keyboard at the same time, but that would be too nice. In this case it is simply a very, very bad understanding of our language. How can you even get a hold of such a job if you don't know how to spell such a word? I mean, one mistake in the word would be okay, but two mistakes make the word already so optically wrong that you -have to- realise that it's wrong. Didn't he struggle when typing the word? Was he in such a hurry?

Now I want to come back to the letter I mentioned the other day. You remember, I intended to write to my neighbours who like to have sex and arguments in the middle of the night with half-closed windows. Here is the letter (translated), I will just get straight the point:

Dear neighbours,

we are sorry to let you know that the standard of living has drastically changed since your arrival. [This place] is usually a relatively quiet area. However, it can lately be heard clearly how you argue loudly and then, also well-audibly, "exchange caresses", to put it mildly.

All of this happens in the middle of the night, sometimes in the evening, in any case easy to hear since your windows are half-open.

Now, unfortunately some people have to get up early in the morning. That is of course a little unusual to think of at first glance, but the reason is that these people have to work for their money. Apart from that, many people also have their windows open due to the summer-like temperatures, which is a right to everyone.

In your case you will have to keep the windows shut, at least for your nocturnal activities. However, we additionally ask you to be a little more quiet, because with the sound level up to now, not even double bullet-proof glass could prevent us from waking up.

Maybe all of this will even be to your advantage. Because when you tell your partner that you are angry, you can save yourself a lot of screaming around for the rest of the conversation. That gives the vocal cords a rest and makes it possible to concentrate on solving problems rather than throwing things at each other, only to drown them in a a five-minute mini orgy afterwards.

We expect that sensibility and discretion will win and hope for a good neighbourhood. Thank you very much and all the best!

Your sleepless neighbours

Note: Since I put the letter at their door in the middle of a night, it has been more quiet. They still like to make kitchen noise, but at least I don't hear any grunting or any more or arguments. But my personal theory is that habit makes people forget things easily. Habit is stronger than anything else.


There are more things to mention, especially stories on the bus, but I don't know how to put all of this in one entry and I fear that the number of readers decreases dramatically if I do. I will save it for later then. I would have liked a more glorious 100th post, maybe also with private greetings, but it has to be okay like this. I will collect more stupidity in the future. Farewell.

They did it again

Last night my neighbours repeated the same things they did the other day. First there was a huge argument, 5 minutes after midnight, that ended in shattered dishes. While they were arguing, their windows were open and they didn't seem to care that the rest of the world was listening.

When it stopped, I could not sleep for more than an hour. I was half angry, half shocked, half unbelieving that people so stupid can even exist. And I also expected them to have their typical make up sex that always seems to come after an argument. And yes, that happened, too. Not one hour, but 1 hour and 45 minutes later. This time it almost seemed that their windows were closed, but I could still hear all the noises. Again, it didn't last long, only ridiculous 5 minutes or less.

I don't know how to describe how they make me feel. Somehow I am shocked and disgusted that this is how a relationship sometimes works. They argue like crazy, all the time, then they have their standardised 5 minutes sex, then the world is okay again. And one or two nights later, it all starts again. A relationship as grey and full of routine as the most boring job in the world.

I will write a letter to them. I figured that it's useless to make it sound angry, and it's useless to make it sound threatening. Both will be ignored. I think I will write it in a satirical way so that I can still smile about it in a while, and it's also nice to pay back for all the shit they put me through. You have to keep in mind, it was Friday, and I have to go to work, dammit! Maybe they don't have to go to work because the state feeds them, but I have to get up early, yeah.

I also bought a book today. The title is "Generation doof" which would translate "Generation dumb" and it's a very nice book so far full of anecdotes of people who are just totally stupid. It describes the whole generation of people who were badly raised, who don't know anything, and who do the weirdest things that are so damn stupid. It's great.

So I guess my next entry will be this letter. We will see. In any case it will be the 100th post of this blog, a blog that has turned into a site that fights against the stupidity in this world. Never stop complaining because the worst is yet to come.

My neighbours had sex

This is the second post within 24 hours, and I actually wanted to write this in the middle of last night already.

What happened last night was outrageous and something that can only happen nowadays. Not in the 80s, not in the 90s, no, it happens these days now that people who were raised in the worst way are old enough to live in an apartment of their own.

Last night I woke up for the first time when it was about half past 1am. My window was half open, so I could hear what was going on outside. I heard a couple arguing in a very loud way. It was totally clear, so I could easily notice that their windows must have been open or half open too. It took a while, but a long while, until they finally stopped arguing. This was the second time at least that I noticed that, but the first time in the damn middle of the night.

The worst was yet to come. Because I woke up about one hour later, and while I woke up from strange dreams, I was already thinking "what am I dreaming here?". But I was not dreaming, it was the noise from outside again! And I can tell you, what I heard was even too much for me. All this moaning and screaming in a pleasent way. But it was not pleasent for me, rather "pukative" to describe how it made me feel awkward. Okay, they had sex, very loud sex. And it only lasted for about a pathetic 5 minutes. But again it was outrageous how they have sex at quarter to three in the night with windows open.

It makes me feel sick. I even had a bad feeling when I imagined what such a marriage must be like. Uoorgh! Disgusting. Can't they at least keep all the stuff that goes on inside their house? Do I have to hear all that?

This morning my mum told me that it's not the first time they had sex that was clearly hearable. It even happens in the evening sometimes, when people still walk around outside. They obviously have sex about three times a week. And there are also times when this woman has guests and she laughs all over the city with her crazy laughter. I don't know what these people look like but I bet they are the most typical, stereotypical people.

There are only two logical conclusions to be made about them. Either: They do not care the slightest bit about being heard when they argue or have wild, crazy sex. Or: They are totally clueless and brain-amputated about the fact that they -CAN- be heard. Which one is more likely?

Do you realise the strange resemblance? The deja vu? Yes, I actually talked about these kind of people before. They either don't give a damn or they have no idea. It goes for people who drive cars, parents who don't care about their children, people on the bus, people on the street, everyone! And it's a whole generation of badly-raised idiots! One day there will be so many of them that the ones who are now right will not be right any more, instead they will be a minority that will be considered "stuck up and nerdy". Or something like that.

I hope that it will stop some day. It is summer now, so I have no desire to not open the window at night, because I need fresh air. But one thing I promise is that I will not argue or have wild sex with open doors, unless I live in a big, big villa far away from the rest of the world. And I'm not going to live in such a place. These idiots neither, unless they win the lottery. With their low IQ nothing else can make them rich.

Wow... can't believe it has to come this far. Up to now, I have only complained about stuff that's rather usual. But this is not normal any more. Do I really have to discuss the sexual life of other people now just to get my deserved sleep? How do I make them stop? Do I really have to talk to them? We don't even know how they are called, where their door is or where to place a letter for them. Can they even read? Which words do I use? Coitus? No... too intellectual. I have to write it down in a very straight forward way if I do. n a house next door, they don't live in the very same building that we live in! Can you imagine how many buildings are capable of receiving these noises?

And just to make it clear: They don't live in our house, they live next door. In a different building. And it can be heard from all the buildings around.

Well anyway, just to let you know: I had to live here for 12 years to ever experience that!

HELLO!!!

When I came home from my first day of the new job training, something embarrassing happened that was just a typical bus story again.

I had not been on this bus line before, at least not since ages ago. When the bus arrived where I wanted to get off, there were three possible areas where it could stop. And that was the problem because it's not possible to tell which bus stop is the right one, so you basically wait until the bus stops and try to hit the "open" button.
The bus came to a halt and one person entered the bus already, so I figured that this would be the right moment to get off. Two people (a couple) were in front of me, holding on to the pole where the "open" button is. I thought they either don't want to get off or they are too stupid to push the damn button, so I walked around them, squeezed myself between them and the door and pushed the button like crazy. Only after nothing happened and I asked them like an idiot "doesn't it usually stop here?" they told me that this is not where the bus stops. The only reason the bus stopped was because the driver welcomed another driver to the bus!

Yeah... how could I have known that? I mean, it already happens to people when the bus stops in the middle of the road just because of a red traffic light. But this WAS a bus stop, AND someone even entered the bus there! So I had enough clues to think that the driver just didn't open the damn door. I'm just so happy I didn't scream "HELLLOOOO!" all over the bus.

You see how embarrassing it can get. And "Hello!" is just the right introduction of the old topic again. People who can't stop saying "Hello" everywhere. Sometimes people greet each other on the street, but who they greet is someone walking directly behind you! So someone you totally don't know walks at you, looks into your eyes and says "what? you here? Hiiiii!" and you are already starting to talk to them, putting your arms up or something like that. Then you find out they are referring to someone behind you. Ouch!

Or on the bus. You are daydreaming, possibly thinking about the day of work that's ahead of you, and some idiot walks by you and screams "HELLLLOOOOO!" or "Hello? Hello?". And THEN you find out they are talking into a cell phone. Argh!

The most amazing thing again is the ignorance of those who are in the center of the world in that moment. Not the slightest imagination of how other people might feel bothered. And the ones who don't even want to have anything to do with it, they have to duck and hope afterwards that nobody saw them when they made an idiot of themselves by responding in any way.

Behold! A positive post!

Yes, this time I want to tell you about a part of society that doesn't piss me off, instead I am finally proud of the people around me. In my quest for finding stuff to rant about regarding our society, I easily forget situations that happen to be good ones. Here we go:

To cut the story short, I was on my way to a grocery and found a wallet. Content: 5 euros, ID card, documents for a car and other important stuff. I decided that it's okay to give the money to the owner because 5 euros is no temptation at all, so I threw it into the slot that's next to the door (the owner of the wallet was not home).

I didn't expect anything then. My mum called this guy because she wanted to know if he received the wallet (she didn't know that this slot led -inside- the house and was not outside). So yeah, this man said on the phone that he was very happy to have his wallet back.

The next day, I was still in bed but already awake, the door rang. I could hear most of the conversation that followed between my mum and the man. He said he was very grateful that I brought his wallet, mentioned that the documents would have cost him a lot to be replaced, and also uttered this phrase about "young people who are helpful and need to be rewarded". So I got 20 euros as a gift. By the way, that was more than what I paid that day getting my groceries.

This man was born in 1935, which I know from his ID card. So he belongs to the group of people we call the old ones. And there is a lot of bad things to say about old people, but one thing is also for certain: Only few of them are really that bad.

In fact, old people rock. Yes! Why? They were raised the good old way! What they have in common with me is that we were beaten, we were called names, and we were given the feeling that we're not worth more than a donkey. Yes, but they have their manners and know how to act. They even teach us good things if we listen. And it's never bad to listen to someone who went through a war. They even tell us that our lives are not as bad as we feel they are.

Okay, now let me post the list of things that make old people so unique:

+being appropriately grateful for good deeds being done to them
+rewarding good behaviour
+appreciating good behaviour and being able to abstract the behaviour of the individual from the usual behaviour (example: young people = impolite bullies; exception = surprise = acknowledgement)
+acting in a way that oneself would act towards others; treating people how they want to be treated themselves

I have a lot of good experience with old people. I will probably rant about them again, but let me just say that most of the time that old people cause trouble, they are always the exception and there will be a lot more old people who act differently. Old people are cool and we can be glad they exist. Just imagine they were not there, there would be no authorities any more. Yes, real authorities, I mean. Not "teachers" and stuff. People who, just by the way they look and speak, already make a young child act more politely.

Anyway, just to say once again that not everyone is stupid in this world. There is not one thing that was bad about this whole incident the other day. I was not disappointed in any way, and even without a reward, I would have been glad for the complete appreciation, even over-appreciation for finding the wallet.

Well, don't worry, I'm sure I will get angry about something again.

Britney Spears' mum kills 12 year old boy and travels back to the future

I read an article the other day that went like this:

Shock! Britney Spears' mother kills 12 year old boy

Looks like things are not calming down at Spears' place. First Britney gets into one scandal after the next, then her sister gets a baby, and now this: Britney's mother killed a 12 year old boy in 1975! It was a tragic car accident.

and some paragraphs later...

Maybe she should have told her daughters about this earlier...

Okay... the most striking thing first: The headline is absolutely misleading. Saying that she "kills 12 year old boy" sounds like it must have happened at least in the last couple of days. But when you look at the fact that this happened decades ago (my very own parents didn't even know each other then) it makes it look as if Mrs Spears went back in time, accidentally killed a boy, and now shares this tragic event with the world. Is this a new movie called Terminator versus Back To The Future? Maybe she killed someone important.

The other thing is, what do they mean with "she should have told her daughters earlier"? I bet she did tell them before, but never cared to let the media know. And why? Because they make the biggest drama out of this, as you see.

I also want to emphasize that next to the headline of the article was a picture of her where she looked shocked. A very recent picture, not a black and white picture of her in her younger days.

Maybe the worst thing, apart from the level of patheticness, is the fact that this whole story totally uses the boy who got killed. I don't recall reading his name anywhere, they just use his accident and his unlucky fate to get some clicks on the internet. A shame that they make profit and dance on his grave like that. Apart from that, this story is just another useless drama story without any valuable content. I couldn't care less about something that happened so long ago. I mean: Just because it's summer, does it mean that everything is so boring that they are -that- desperate to come up with new stories? And why are they AGAIN misleading people by giving them a totally wrong impression? Do they think I want to keep opening their articles?

The problem with names!

I want to seize this post to complain about some things again. I will divide this post in several paragraphs so it's easier to read. The main topic today is: Names, sportsmen and the media:

Case 1: The Ronaldos
There is one thing that bugs me a lot about the media: As soon as two sportsmen with similar names are well-known, the media make it very hard to distinguish between them, and they do that on purpose. Maybe some of you know that there is this Brazilian footballer called Ronaldo. He was world champion with his country but his career is declining at the moment. You also know that there is another guy who is getting just as famous as the previous one once was: Cristiano Ronaldo. Now let me ask you one thing: What is so difficult about keeping the names distinguished just like that? When Ronaldo came, he only had his last name to refer to. When Cristiano Ronaldo came, he was always "Cristiano Ronaldo" and not just "Ronaldo". I think it was even his official player name on the shirt. So why in the world would the media suddenly refer to him as "Ronaldo" just because it's more convenient to them but confusing to the reader?
The mess began when Cristiano Ronaldo was so famous that people started calling him Ronaldo. Suddenly the other, older Ronaldo was in the media for some scandal, but then everyone was asking: Which Ronaldo? First you have to open the articles on the net to see who it is. And it always goes like that. You read a short headline but you have to load the article to see who it is.

There is also something else that's funny about the "real" Ronaldo: When he started his national team career for Brazil, there had once already been a player who called himself "Ronaldo". As you know, the Brazilians don't use their full names, because they are often long like "Ronaldo Luis da Silva de Marco Alabinirisi" (exagerrated). So they use artist names anyway. So young Ronaldo had to look for a substitute name because it was not allowed to use the same name for two different people. So he chose to call himself "Ronaldinho". He played with this name during a whole competition. Then, some years later, another Brazilian star rose. His name was... Ronaldinho. And then the ones responsible for the names were like:"Ohhhh shit! Fuck! What are we going to do? This is so messed up!" So in the end they threw away that rule, gave Ronaldo the "Ronaldo" shirt and the new Ronaldinho the "Ronaldinho" shirt. See, don't make it complicated, it's just the same as movie titles. Don't mess with them.

Case 2: The Schumachers
The most famous person with that name is Michael Schumacher, and I don't have to introduce him either. He quit his formula one career after the 2006 season, but as the most successful driver in the history of the sport, it's clear that he is still the one people think of when they hear the name. Especially when they use his nickname, which is "Schumi" in our country. When you say this, you are referring to just one person, and that is him. His brother, who is also a race driver, is sometimes referred to as "Schumi 2". Not so nice, but at least there is no confusion.

Something bad had to happen here too. In this year's Tour de France (yes, cycling, not motor sports), a young cyclist came up whose last name is.... well, you guess what: Schumacher. Oh hell... so what do the media do? Yes, they call him "Schumi" or "Bike Schumi". Which is also useless because Michael Schumacher is also a motorcycle driver at the moment. So whenever I read stuff like "Schumi won a bike race" or "Schumi fell off his bike", I think: What? He had an accident? He raced again? Oh, he won? He hasn't been a motorcycle driver for that long.

But then I have to think again: Oh wait... which one? Have to open the damn page. Argh.. advertisements everywhere. Where is it, where is it? What?! Tour de France? Who cares about that? Let this guy first win 7 championships before you give him the same nickname, okay?

Let's also talk about Ralf Schumacher now, Michael's brother. There was one article on the net that made my blood boil. First, let me say that Ralf is not in formula one any more since the end of 2007. Now, there was an article that said:"Does Ralf return to F1 soon?". First I thought: Wow, interesting, are some teams interested in him? Does his manager have a nice deal at hand? Is there any news about other people losing their seats? But guess what... the only thing the short and crappy article said was that Ralf would go back to formula 1 if he was offered a contract to race again. I mean... what the hell? Even I would drive in F1 if I was offered to drive there, dammit. Who wouldn't? Damn, yes, how obvious. Well, what about this:

Is XXX* the next world champion?
XXX* from team YYY* might be the next world champion. According to reliable sources, he said that he was eager to be world champion one day. A dream many people have. Bla bla bla, bla bla bla.

*insert ANY damn name

Okay, that's all I wanted to say about that. I just find it amazing how some people can write a whole article stating something totally obvious and fooling the reader into reading the article in the first place.

And Ralf is not going back to formula one. I know that as an experienced fan. End of the story.

Case 3: The guy with the stupid name
There is a comedian here who has had some success with movies, shows, etc. He has a totally random name but uses "Bully" as his artist name. So, there was this article that said that he is going to court to protest against a video game that is also called "Bully". A video game made by an American company. He said that he didn't like to be associated with this game because it has some (minor, if I may say) violent content.
Okay, now the one million dollar question: Who does this guy think he is? Does he think he can "own" the word "bully" and forbid everyone to use it? It's even a comedian so he should know how to accept that things like that happen. I mean, "bully" is one of the most used words in the world, people in America use this all day at school without knowing that this guy somewhere in Germany exists. What is he thinking? Do people go around calling themselves "Bully" or "Fancy" and then pout when they feel their rights are being ignored?

You know what? I'm going to do exactly the same. May I introduce myself? My name is
Mr. Love.
And everyone who writes a love song will get into trouble, because love comes from
Mr. Love.
Don't dare to forget that!

Haha... shit. I'm going crazy.

That was all, and I will end this post here so I don't scare away potential readers.

For those who are still looking for that something more...

Today, 8th of July, marks the 3 year anniversary. That is something special. Can't believe it. Whoever knows about me knows what I mean.

Times are changing so fast. And I'm still looking for what feels perfect. Deep inside me I still don't feel whole. Complete. There was this magazine I read the other day at work, it was about merging with your self. About being a complete, round, solid person. To put the "I" into oneself.

This was very interesting to read. Mainly because it said the things that I basically knew, but nobody seemed to utter these words in a scientifically valid way. But now it's open to everyone. The magazine said that we all have different drives. Some people are looking for a social network, they want to feel taken care of, so they fit into social jobs. Other people are looking for power, but not in a selfish way, more in a way how they can take part in changing the world. Yet another group of people are performance people. They are not looking for power, they are looking for doing well and achieving something.

When I read through all this, I realised how much I would have needed this before, and at the same time I realised that all of this still doesn't help me. It is not that I have not asked myself what is the right job for me. There are ideas I had, but there was always something in the way. I was once a very creative person. I had ideas of creating movies, music, video games, and I could name all the ideas I would put into one of them, and I always thought:"Let me do it, I know what people want".
A lot of time passed since then. I gave up these dreams because they were always associated with one of two options: One option is to go the wild way. Castings, going on the road, sending your stuff in and hoping for good answers. Just the way where you are not trained in any way, you just try your luck and hope to be picked as one of millions of people who try. The other way is studying, because you can study music, you can study movie/theater-related stuff, you can basically study anything. But both ways didn't sound appealing to me. It never seemed right. I neither had the courage or confidence, nor the time (that's how I felt) to study my ass off for 5 years or to dare to go the wild way.

The scary part is that once you enter a way, you hardly can escape. Doing a training once already means that you are most likely to stay where you are. Even the magazine said that personell managers rarely accept people who completely changed their vocational identity. I'm afraid of being unhappy whatever I do. If I'm not happy, I might not be able to get a job in a different field.

Somehow I feel left out again when I read this. It's like everyone can just listen to the inner voice, but I can't because life just doesn't work that way. I can't just do a job training as "millionaire" or "music star" because this doesn't work. I also can't just go to a video game company and say "you know what, let me take over from here". And you know, whatever you do, you always need skills that I don't have. If you get involved with video games, you need to do programming, which I suck at. If you want to study music, you need to learn all the tiring details about classical composing, and I don't have the nerves for that. And this is how the list goes on. I even gave up once and said to myself that I will go for foreign languages instead, because at least I was good at school in English. But what is the next shock? There are practically no jobs that are only foreign language and have a good perspective for the future. One reason: There are always better-educated people who know more languages and have even studied (!). Another reason: Languages alone don't get you anywhere. You either combine them with other stuff (tourism, economy) or you let it go.

So in the end I went a way that now, I rather doubt was good. First I went to a school that trained both foreign language and business-related stuff. After one year I stopped. Now I do a training that's totally business-related, and the only way it relates to what I actually wanted is that foreign language skills are helpful. But it's not even the case that they are a primary function of the job. They are only one side skill. It's like becoming a psychatrist when you're actually into religion. It helps but it's only one part of it.

It was always hard for me to imagine being happy in a job. This idea of going to work in the morning and coming back when the bones and mind feel tired. I have nothing against temporary work like this, when I know I can expect something better, but this is just where I'm not sure. I don't know how often I have to switch companies, countries, sectors before I end up in a good job. I don't even know what I'd enjoy. Somehow I enjoy working with people, but on the other hand I also shy away from others and my social skills go to zero. Another example of two factors eliminating each other. See, I have lots of them. I am not at all a complete person.

They also showed two pictures in this magazine of what characteristics a complete, integrated person and an incomplete person have. It discouraged me because I am the epitome of the incomplete person. Mistrust, fear, insecurity, hesitancy. All traits of the incomplete person. I could basically recognize -ALL- the character traits in me. The only positive side I could see was the inner calmness I often try to achieve.

Somehow I feel sorry about my self. Yes, not about myself, about my self. I'm sorry I can't reach the part of me I need to be one with. I'm not sure how to reach the happy child that turned into something else. I am left with a lot of question marks, and when I look over to the other side of the soul river, I can only shrug because as both of us can see, there is no way I can do a social job if I am not a social person, I can not do video games if I can't do programming, I can't do music if I don't study painful theory, I can't do director if I don't dedicate my whole life to it, I can't be a writer if I don't study a thousand books. There is nothing I can be except for a mediocre person who is glad to live. I do realise there was once so much that I wanted. And I realise how I can't be happy only creating music that a handful of people listen (and the same goes for other things I do).

I want to do more. But how... and how with the little self confidence?

Only one hope was in this whole article in the newspaper. One scientist says that a love relationship is one very good road on the way of becoming yourself. You grow towards the "I" in the presence of a "you", so to speak. And I get that, because it's where you can be yourself and don't have to act. Maybe private life is and was always my last hope anyway. Miserable working life, happy private life. Let's hope for that.



"Ich warte schon so lange auf den einen Moment
Ich bin auf der Suche nach 100 Prozent"

A rant about stupid people

How could 4 weeks pass since my last blog entry? I wanted to update a while ago already. But it's okay, I like it when time passes by quickly when I work.

Today there was another incident on the bus. As it turned out afterwards, 5 people left the bus at a bus stop. The funny thing was, none of them felt responsible for pressing the stop button in time. One person pressed it eventually, but that was so late that the driver just managed to brake and come to a halt several meters after the bus stop. I know drivers who would not have cared. And in that case, the others either go silent in shame or they start screaming in panic. What makes me feel astonished is this lack of awareness or responsibility. As if everyone is either dreaming or relying on someone else.

There is another example of this attitude. One of our neighbours is a woman we can't stand. She is, as far as I know, some kind of teacher, maybe preschool teacher, and she is the perfect example of what's wrong in society at the moment. The way she raises her children is just.... argh!
Okay, let me explain it this way:"You will PLEASE not do that. That is NOT NICE. No, you PLEASE don't do that."
And the child says:"Oh yes! I will!"

And it goes on like that basically. It's not only how she talks, it's also how the children act. They don't feel that their mother is an authority to them. Once our cat walked near these children, and one of them had a stick in his hand, and he made this throwing movement as if he was going to hit or throw the stick after our cat. And this boy is only 6-8 years old, I guess. What makes children only think of causing trouble and aggression? I feel it has to do with the lack of limits. They want to be treated as children, but the parents abuse them as equal partners, asking for love and recognition and treating them like they are already adults.
I am not making this up, by the way, I read this in an article in a newspaper. It is true.

Well, this woman also has this strange behaviour. It's the carelessness in her, she not only doesn't really care how provoking her own children are, she also doesn't care at all what the neighbours think. Basically all year long, she has something standing around in the stairway. It's either a stroller or bikes of her children. Now, of course nobody can protest against these things. They are basically not okay, but who would go against a mother like that? Nobody will. Just because people would think of you as a Nazi or some other kind of unworthy being immediately. "Worse than Hitler", in other words. Haha. But the crazy thing now is, she even put her OWN bike there. And that's a huge lady's bike. How can she dare to do that? If everyone did that, the whole stairway would be full of bikes, wheelchairs, motorcycles and paragliders (okay, you recognize the exaggeration).

At least they are moving out. But I know that, where ever they go, they will never learn their lesson. And you know what I also know? IF, IF, IF I ever did what she does, I would hear a lot of bad things from my neighbours. Then I would be the bad guy. It always hits you, but it never hits the others.

Having children is a perfect alibi. When you have a child, you have an excuse for everything. It already starts on the bus. You have a child, so yeah, it cries like crazy and nobody can say anything. You can't turn off the child. So that's where it begins... and I think that's where some women realise that they can use this everywhere.
When you have a child, you have an excuse for not working, you have an excuse for skipping some people in a cue, you have an excuse for being treated politely, for being offered a seat, and so on, and so on.
I have no problem with most of these things, but I would at least appreciate if these mothers acted with a lot of respect and awareness of the things around them. It often feels like they lose the ground beneath their feet and feel like the world belongs to them. It's an overkill of female emotions.... oh no, I can't believe I'm going there again.

Well, it's true. First you get fed this shit about "the goddess in you", then you go through "the miracle of birth", which already makes you better than any man because they can only watch in awe how you go through pain they could not survive, then you become the mother goddess, the lion mother with her children who protects them with her life. Yeah. Of course that's how some women feel. And they also serve their country, keep the economy alive, they are the real heros. And men, they are so useless. Wow....

Some women are okay because they don't get carried away. They still scream at their child in a moderate way when it really does shit, and they also say "step aside" in the supermarket when someone wants to go by and the lousy child is standing in the way, staring somewhere with its mouth drooling and a finger in its nose. They also tell their children to get THE HELL AWAY FROM THE ROAD. Yes... I'm sometimes also astonished how much faith parents have in the car drivers. It's like the WHOLE damn society is thinking:"Can't someone else pay attention for me?"

And this is where it goes back to the beginning of my entry. People here are depending on each other. People on the bus depend on each other by not pressing the button. Mothers depend on other people to not kill their children while they don't even protect them, drivers who drive like crazy depend on other drivers who, if they drove the same crazy way, would collide with them, and everyone just depends on everyone else. The world belongs to those who take the lead. Or those who live according to the rules.
I know that so many bad things would happen if I was one of these careless people. The bus would keep going, I would drive the children to death, I would get into accidents, and I'd make all my neighbours so damn angry. I have had these situations, don't think I haven't. Yes, for example I almost drove some children to death, but luckily I'm someone who pays A LOT of attention. I don't want to imagine being some techno-listening-punk idiot who drives these children to death with 50 km/h on a parking lot.

The absence of mothers in life-threatening situations is inversely proportional to their unjustified feeling of superiority.

10 years ago

This post is about an event that took place exactly 10 years ago. It was one of these days like September 11th or the day that Princess Diana died, when you can ask anyone and they will know what they did that day.

I was in school as a 15 year old kid, having math tuition, when there was news on the radio about a high speed train accident. The guy who was sitting next to me shook his head.

The accident was the worst train accident in the history of our republic, and the worst high speed train accident worldwide. 101 people died, many were injured.

The circumstances were tragic. A wheel tire was so used that it broke and rammed into the floor of one of the cabins where people sat. These people survived what happened later, but did not manage to react well to the sign. They tried to inform one of the train staff, but it did not take much more than a minute for the disaster to happen. They could have activated the emergency brake, but did not find it. It would have changed everything.

Near an upcoming bridge, the damaged part of the wheel made some parts of the train shake, and then the broken wheel part hit a turnout on the rails which caused a part of the train to go on a different rail. Then it hit the bridge with such force that the whole bridge collapsed, killing 2 railway workers and throwing down the car on top of that bridge. News reports later assumed that the accident was caused by the car falling on the rails, which was not true.

Most people who died were killed either by the bridge or by the immediate slowdown from over 200 km/h to zero. The front part of the train was undamaged, one carriage ended up in the grass, 2 or three rolled out after the bridge, the train head kept driving until the driver was told he was running all alone. He had not noticed what happened, only notice some shaking and suspected a techincal problem. Afterwards he was so shocked he did not leave his train for 2 hours, and never drove again either. All the other carriages came to a sudden halt as you can see in the picture.

There was a documentary about the dead people, about people who survived and about families involved. It was a very distressing kind of documentary, they even used actors to play all the things that happened. Some people were killed who had not travelled by train for years. One man lost his wife because he had sat down on a different seat to lie down and sleep, and his wife was not even far away from him. One person reported that after the accident, he called a hospital to hear about a woman whose daughter was desperate to know how she was. He found out that she was alive and not in big danger, and he informed the daughter and the husband of the good news. Then, to his shock, he found out it was a different woman with the same name, and the real one was dead.

Yet another person found a body that was already covered by sand, and when he saw how the face had no ears, nose or anything, he was so shocked that he put the sand right back and covered the face again.

There were many stories like this. What matters is that people learned from it. The Inter City Express (ICE) now uses different wheels.

And it's a reminder to appreciate life. I didn't want to swap places with any of the people involved. What one can say is, we suffered with them on that day in Eschede. It was a black day for Germany.

To whom it may concern...

You know what bugs me? People who write news articles and make spelling mistakes. Or even putting wrong names in them. Like "Jorge Mourinho" instead of "Jose Mourinho". Or "Michael Schuhmacher" instead of "Michael Schumacher". They think they know what the people are called, but they are totally wrong and know nothing. Can't you expect from a sports article writer to know how the people he/she is referring to are called?

Much more common is that people make stupid mistakes like spelling or grammar. Most of the time words are double, like the guy is typing something, then he gets distracted, then he continues the sentence but types the last word he typed in AGAIN. And nobody reads through that article just once to check for errors. Sometimes they start a sentence, then end the sentence re-using a part of a sentence that was already used before. Or a verb comes at the beginning of the sentence and reappears at the end, making the sentence absurd.

It's okay that it happens once in a while, but I see this all the time. You know, it's not like it makes me angry in general. It's just that I think: Damn! Can I please have this job? Can I do this kind of thing to earn a living? Can you give it to me? I'm not even asking for more money, just let ME do it!
I would do it. You know, these people work on the internet, they have lots of readers, they get all the attention and often they can even really comment on things and not only have to convey facts. But the way some of them are is just unprofessional. I imagine it to be this way (and sorry again, I imagine they are all women):

A: (starts typing a sentence)
B: Hey, Angie, did you see my new shoes?
A: (stops typing) Oh! What? I didn't know that. They look cool!
B: Yeah, I was at this shoe shop with my boyfriend, but he was totally not patient.
A: Yeah, I know. Boys... at least you have a boyfriend *sighs* (resumes typing, but types one word again that had been typed before already)
B: ...Oh well...
C: Hey girls!
A+B: Hey! Nicole! How was your date last night? (A and B stop whatever they have been doing)
C: It was horrible! That guy was so annoying!
A+B+C talk for 20 minutes, then each of them quickly finished what they have been doing, adding lots of mistakes and leaving sentences unfinished.

Okay, maybe you get the idea and I can stop here. That's how I feel about these people, they sit in their office chit-chatting over everything and not even paying attention, and they are all women. Why women? Because of the way they write the articles. These articles are all about gossiping as soon as they are not mere news. You can read the bitchiness in the article without even knowing the name of the person, and you know there must have been a woman writing this. Just because of the annoying way it is written. But that is hard to explain.

Moving on... I'm trying to get a hold of my aggression. Haha. Well... it's easy to feel upset, even about little things. I discovered the only way to relax is to listen to very calm music. When I find something calm, funny or interesting, I put it as a favorite on my youtube page.
People can say that I just shouldn't be so angry. But that's too easy to say. I have aggression in my genes. My dad was a very aggressive person, even a drinker and a hell of a mad driver, he risked his life all the time doing crazy overtaking maneuvers with his children sitting in the car. Once he almost lost his life to it, and later vowed to take it easy. But I think he returned to aggressive driving. What matters is, I know where this aggression comes from. I don't think that I took it over from him, it's possible because children often solves problems the way their parents do, so it would be a way to explain, but I think it also has biological reasons. Maybe some kind of testosterone overflow, or just seeing red when things go bad. Something in the brain. I go berserk when things don't go well. If it's really bad, I get desperate attacks, I smash the keyboard, I damage the shower, I hit things and throw them around, there were times I was so desperate about my stupid homework that I got something like a nervous breakdown. And all the time I think:"I should be doing something more useful/fun right now".

I know I won't last long like this. But I'm not letting myself drown in the sweet self-pity of such a thought. I want to be healthy and not burden other people by letting them know I will die early, instead I'm going against it. There is a tendency in me to be peaceful, too. I learned how to meditate when I was still a child, maybe 11 years old. And I have started doing sports seriously. Not like before where it was just a phase of a couple of days. I am now doing bodybuilding. It has been 2 and a half months, so no fucking around, I got used to it. Today was the 51st session that I marked on my calendar. So far, I had about 15-18 sessions per month, so I trained my body sometimes 6 times a week, sometimes only twice, but I did it professionally by reading a lot about it. When I first started out, the exercises were pretty lame, I did the wrong movements, didn't know much about what matters. Now I know that it has to be done well, that I have to train all muscles and not only the ones I want to see grow, and also that the workout is only one third of the whole thing. Yes, that's right, one third. The other two thirds are eating the right food at the right time and giving the body a lot of time to rest. There is nothing more stupid than doing 2000 situps every day.

Now, after about 50 sessions that lasted between 5 minutes and 90 minutes, and after getting more and more professional at it, I can already see I did some improvement. There are muscles I didn't know of before, when I pose in front of the mirror, it looks nice, and I also lose some fat. Because that's part of it, too. You can't see certain muscles if you have loads of fat over them. I am still overweight, so I had to change my habits. I banned chocolate from the table, and to my surprise, it's not even a torture to the soul. I used to be a sugar junkie, but now I realised that these crazy hunger attacks disappear when the blood sugar level is normal for several weeks. I can only recommend to take that into account. Eating sweet things makes the body get unbalanced, and then it will try to decrease the blood sugar level, then you will suffer from an extremely low blood sugar level, and then you feel hungry for chocolate again. I eliminated this problem, and now I am barely even hugry at all! I can almost eat nothing without noticing it, but again, that would be wrong too. If I eat too little, my body goes into the saving mode and consumes less calories. So I need to force myself to eat a little at least. But that's okay, I like cooking.

Enough of that. I'm curious what it will be like in 6 months if I can keep this up. It's even okay to have a break once in a while, but I need to make sure not to injure myself.

Hm... We are reaching the end of May. The winter has died. Summer will come sooner or later. I guess it will be hot like hell, but won't last too long. We will see...

Human behaviour

In the last two or three days, it happened several times...

The bus has been at the bus stop for several minutes and is getting ready to leave the place. Suddenly a girl or woman jumps up and screams:"Sorry? Can you open the door? Can I get out?"

Looks like female impulsive behaviour. The female subject has noticed has noticed a fellow female and now has decided from one second to the next that it has to leave the bus immediately, though there has been enough time to get off the bus during the normal stoppage time.

So what's typical for male individuals? Maybe this: Two guys are on the bus talking like they are the only ones, suddenly one of them screams:"HELLLOOOOOO!!! We wanted to get off!" The bus driver screams back:"Also HELLO!" and stops the bus immediately to let them out. Either the bus driver was in a coma vigil and didn't notice he should have let them out or the guys were so busy talking that they didn't hit the push button. In any case, it means unnecessary stress to the conspecifics.

I think there is no better way of demonstrating and analysing the human nature than the everyday life events on a bus. Being on the bus is like being in the jungle. This is the real place. You can't be closer to the real action. You see all the behaviour, matching, fights, conversations, body language.

It's always great to see what's special about females and males. Of course, I can't go around the fact that guys sit like they are giving birth. That's just true and I don't know why it happens this way. Maybe they sit in an unhealthy position when they are somewhere else so they squeeze their testicles, so they need to give them extra space on the bus. But I don't think so, it's just a very strange kind of sitting position. I wish I knew why they have to sit this way, I know it's comfortable but there are only few girls who sit like this. It's just like a guy seeing another guy and then wanting to get off the bus all of a sudden. It just doesn't happen!

Or going to the toilet in public places. Would you ever expect a guy to say:"Do you want me to come with you" when another one says he needs to go to the toilet? That would be more than awkward. But it's normal with girls.

Then there are also the psychological differences. Girls permanently consider themselves more ugly than they are in the eyes of the guys. They also constantly eat less than they should. I'm not sure what's the counterpart on the male side. Maybe the fact that they misinterpret everything. Guys see sexual messages in almost every kind of body language. Every look from a girl can mean a lot, and girls who just want to be friendly are mistaken as totally interested. This is based on the problem that guys are the ones who, as society wants it, are supposed to make the first move. If a guy can only guess and guess and guess, it's hard to say if he has chances, he can not expect a girl to go ahead and say that she is interested. At least that's the biological rule, it seems. And girls, they are programmed to only be looked at and being romanced, so they are in this passive situation where they need to look good, and good is never good enough. Hence the feeling of ugliness.

So many things would be better if people overcame their biology. Girls would have to become less dramatic, more sensible, logical, responsible, practical. Guys would have to open up and show feelings, not always play the hard ones, allow themselves to cry, and also not have this you-don't-understand-me-anyway-and-it-feels-good-this-way attitude.

I don't think we will get there so soon. This society is not ready anyway. It's still normal for a woman to have a part-time job all her life because she can "hide" behind her status as a mother. A guy will be laughed at for asking for such a thing. Guys need to be real men, they need to defend the family like wild lions, as if there is a need to display manhood. Man, they need to be so tough, if it gets even tougher they turn to stone.

There is also this tendency to go back to the roots. There is one author, a woman who made career in the showbusiness as a newswoman on tv, who promotes the "eve-principle". That means, going back to being a real woman, in the kitchen, with children. I have no problem with women being women and men being men. It's very rare that men get pregnant, so there's always a point where men will be men and women will be women. But you don't have to overdo it.

Okay, now the quote of the day for each of them:

Men: *Rooaaaar* Be a man, man!
Women: Discover the goddess in you.

No, don't ask me what it means. This is the only bullshit I remember from tv advertisements.

Moments that leave you speechless...and the blood boiling to the ceiling

Let me tell you something that happened today. My cat choked on a blade of grass that she had swallowed (at least for the third time in her life now) and we had to take her to the vet, on a Friday, after 7pm.

We went there and didn't expect that many people would be there, the place was already supposed to close down for the day. We sat down, and other people were around us, still waiting. One of the people working there, a former classmate of mine, recognised me, smiled at me and said that my hair was so long. Very nice of her and it was funny how again people are so happy to see me.

Then happened something that makes me wonder what is wrong with this world. A couple entered the room, they had a cage with a cat with them, and they sat down. For a split second, I thought about saying some silly thing like "are you here because of a blade of grass, too?" but I kept my mouth shut. Later, when someone said "next one please", both me and my mum, and also the other couple stood up. I looked at them in confusion. Then the woman said "we were here first". My mum and I were more confused and my mum said that we were first. The next sentence coming from the woman was:"that is wrong, but go ahead". It made me kind of angry, this attitude of complete make-believe perfection, the arrogance to think that they are right, but they are only stupid. They were the very last ones to enter that vet place that day, nobody came after them, not a single soul. How can they claim to have been there before us?

It makes me wonder, are people completely idiotic and at the same time insisting in the most arrogant way, or are they calculating, manipulating and evil? Did they expect to fool us because we look like stupid, weak people?

There are so many more examples of this kind of behaviour. The worst thing is the way I feel helpless about it. It's as if I'm the last person who was raised differently. As if I was the last person who was beaten as a child and taught to follow authorities instead of rebelling against them. Most parents nowadays, let me tell you, raise their children in this "please don't do that" or "you won't do that, will you" way. Not in the "stop it, dammit, you idiot" way. I'm not saying that the latter is better, but this is the way I know and though it damaged me immensely (together with being beaten up), it at least made me a bearable part of society. Not someone who you have to ask twice to give way in a grocery. Or to help if someone needs help. But today, people are really, really different. Not only children, also parents. As if I was raised in a family from the beginning of the 20th century.

I don't want to be mean and prejudiced, but there is something about a lot of women that I don't understand. I've mentioned the example above, that was also typical for a woman and is hard to expect from a man, don't ask me why.
Another example is this (and I ask you to imagine this vividly): I am in a grocery, holding a bag full of things I just bought. I'm walking towards the exit/entrance area, which is kind of narrow. Near a stand of postcards, I get stuck because a woman with her little son is approaching me, and for some reason, she has to stop right in front of me and do various things, like looking around, talking to her son, etc. Not for a single, not even the slightest moment, does it seem awkward to her that I, as a total stranger, am standing right next to her and her son as if I belong to the family. It simply doesn't matter. I stand there and stand there and every second I think:"Now is the moment. Now is the moment that she tells her son to move away so the man (me) can walk by. Now comes the moment". But it doesn't come. This woman is too busy daydreaming or talking to her one and only sweet sweet boy.

Another example. I'm in the car, driving towards a crossing, and if other cars approach, I know I need to give way. There is a car coming around, so I stop my car to let the other car go by. But the car gets slower and slower. For a second, I think, maybe it's someone who doesn't know the traffic rules here, but that would be okay. But no... the car stops right in front of the crossing, without even giving any signals, and an old woman steps out of the car. Shaking my head, I hit the gas and go by once again. I can see that a woman is the one behind the wheel.

You know, the question I have is: Why are women so emotional, so caring, so "I feel so many things, and I want to know how my dad, my mum, my siblings feel. Everything is about feelings", yet they can't even act according to everyday life situations. Sometimes they are in their own world. And then it also happens that they are so into their own world that they start imagining things (see the first paragraphs of this text). Why are women all about feelings, yet they can't sympathise with strangers? Like:"How does the other driver feel if I leave him in confusion?". Don't we have feelings, too? Oh yeah, blood boiling feelings.

I really don't have a problem with women, but sometimes they freak me out. I think if I was a woman, I would really be stressed out because it takes so much concentration to just not get in someone else's way all the time.

Okay, as you know, I have problems too. I think I need some sort of therapy. It's the stress. I get totally angry easily, I feel stressed easily, and I get scared easily, AND I'm paranoid. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and die of exhaustion at the same time...and the muscles that ache the most are the shake-head muscles.
I won't get very old this way, but I don't want to die too soon. Something has to change, also for the sake of the people who have to tolerate my behaviour. How do I go about this at all? I feel like everything is in my hands and up to me all the time. I can't allow any mistakes because I feel embarrassed often enough already. I have to pull myself together, and at the same time I can even feel scared when I hear a leaf falling off a tree (no joke, it happened one night).

The discouraging thing is that I do sports, I take baths, and it still doesn't really change much. And apart from that, I tend to feel hopeless about life. Life is only short joy and lots of Tristesse.

Ira is right. Everything is not good enough for me. The best is just good enough if I'm lucky. Maybe I ask for too much, but what can I do when the standard for happiness is set so high?

At the moment I already appreciate if strange people (women and men) don't make my blood boil... and not to mention my cat that makes stupid things on a Friday evening.
Yeah... sometimes I could cook noodles in my stomach, that's how I boil.

How many people read this?

Time to give this unloved, mostly unread blog another once-a-month update.

I have been in a new job for 2 weeks now, and I'm glad I survived so far. The first days were kind of boring, but this week flew by so quickly I don't even remember what happened. As if the whole week was empty and had nothing memorable in it.
But it's still hard to imagine that I can work so many hours a day all my life. I know it's worse in different countries and I know it has also been worse decades ago. And I also know that other people don't understand. There was this article I read today where some business expert complained that people retire into pension too early. He said that all efforts have been made to make work less physically demanding. Well, does he not get it? What about family time? It doesn't make me happy to be away from home from 6:20am until almost 6pm ONLY because it's not physically tiring. And there is also something that adds to the pain, it's this hole in the heart, the lack of meaning in our lives nowadays.

The only thing that remains is to celebrate the beginning of the weekend like a holy day (holiday). Going home after work on a Friday is the moment in time when the next day of work is further away than at any other point in time. Strangely, when I got onto the bus, some girls looked at me and giggled, and I felt like the centre of attention for some minutes. They must have found me cute. Hm... I wonder why it happens when I don't -really- need it any more, and doesn't happen when I need it. On the other hand I don't complain, it's a good feedback to know that I'm still interesting. Haha.

Some things make me feel calm, other things make me feel unhappy, others worried. It's not easy to feel pressure, anger, hope and happiness at the same time. It doesn't feel okay to be happy because I can fall into a deep hole again. And it also doesn't make sense to throw a good feeling away.

Anyway, I'm getting prepared for a new life of responsibility and work. I started physical training almost 2 months ago, and I have seen positive changes to my body. I grew muscles and lost weight at the same time, which is only possible with the right food.

I wonder what's going to happen in 3, 6, 12 months from now. I don't promise anything. I can fall, I can rise, anything can happen. I'll try to forget that so much depends on me. I'll also try not to assume too much although it's difficult. And maybe I will update this poor blog more than once a month.

A story about God - by me

When God created humanity, He thought:"I will keep this simple". So he gave Adam and Eve a nice garden to hang around, and told them that they can pretty much do whatever they like."Just don't eat from that forbidden tree, yo! You hear me?"

It didn't work...they fucked up.

Then He thought:"Okay, what they need is clear guidelines". So He brought them the 10 commandments and hundreds of other rules, and told His followers to live a life according to all these rules. But in the end, it also didn't work out. They fucked up again.

Some years later, God thought:"I will try the nice way, since they seem to be a little annoyed and confused about all the rules. So I will just send some guy who is nice and has charisma, and also abolish some of the old rules. But I'll make it look like they are not abolished, but like they are just 'fulfilled' by how that dude does things differently". So he sent a guy called Jesus to bring the people a lot of friendship, peace and hippie love. They were supposed to become good believers by not following 'orders', but by being nice to each other and having a really good time.

Well... guess what? It didn't work, they even became worse, didn't follow any rules at all and felt totally free of any obligations because it was all about love and friendship anyway.... and who doesn't love his wife and his family?

So God became desperate and said:"Okay, they just wouldn't listen. This time I will let some guy do it the hard way. He will conquer the territory all over the place and kill everyone who doesn't believe in me. Then he will establish a state with me as the leader. They are asking for it". And so it happened. A lot of new rules were brought into place, strangely some of the old rules seemed to come back, while others didn't seem to have anything in common with any of the stuff that had been there before. The hippe days were also outdated and forgotten. But at least, there was some order and some people actually started to pay more attention to God (whether it's by free will or not depends on the person).

In the end, it also didn't really work so perfectly because some people took the whole thing much too seriously and ended up using violence all the time, forgetting about the fact that God had just been in a bad mood when He decided to do it this way. Things got much worse again. So God gave up. Legend has it that He still accepts people, but the problem is He doesn't show which way is the right one. For some reason, only really weird people claim to have talked to Him in person nowadays. Not like back then, when everyone who claimed this had a book written about himself.

What's going to happen next?

You won't understand this entry if you don't know my life (just like every other entry)

Maybe the worst thing about not succeeding is when you've been ambitious about it before. When you feel that you are willing to do something, to take a risk you would not have taken before, and you already imagine the new situation and accept what it may bring. This month is half way over and I already had to deal with disappointment.

I also feel burnt out. Not only in a simple way, I feel sick, mentally exhausted. Stress is going to cost me a lot of life, and it's like I'm going to lose all energy sooner or later in life, unless I feel good about work then.

There is not much to say. I'm trying to keep positive thoughts, but the only ones I can come up with get destroyed or seriously damaged by people around me who either assume bad things from the start, suspect me of bad things, make the world look very dark or who are just too careful to dare having (small) dreams. I'm not talking about miracles, just plans, and I'm aware that some things cost money and that I can't go on other people's nerves to make them come true.

I also feel deceived by that school.... but it's too late to say anything. The problem is that there is fault on my side for not being prepared. I'd not say that the blame is huge, but there is an amount of fault for wanting one thing so much that I neglected the necessarity of "Plan B". I'm also too slow most of the time and always do things later than other people. It takes me too long to recognize options or things that need to be done. I'm always older when I first do something than other people when they do.

If I had a self confidence scale to use for the whole year, then now the self confidence level would be very low. But right now I know the despair can get worse if I'm unemployed in August/September.

One thing that shocks me even more is how people scare me now about my life at the age of 67 (pension). They are already giving me the impression that I will die as a poor, old man. I'm not saying that I will ever reach the age when I can go to pension, because I pay tribute to my stress every day, but it's still crazy. I'm 25 years old, The first third of my life is over, and I'm already forced to think of the last third.

Lucky are the people who have a very solid life where school, work and pension go smoothly. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: It's so rare nowadays. But for me it really went a little too badly compared to others. But before I get into discussions with people saying that there are so many unlucky people on this planet, which I agree with, I stop here. This entry is too long already.

How real is religion?

Today I finished reading the first book of a trilogy about the three Abrahamic religions. Two more to go. It doesn't seem to me that a lot of things of my own perception changed after reading the first one, which is about Judaism. I learnt some things that I didn't know before, not only religious stuff but mostly historic stuff, and although the book is written in a very dimplomatic way, I find myself in favour of Israel more than the other side in the conflict.

There is also a different tendency I notice while reading this book, and I think the next two books will even make this impression a lot stronger. The things I notice are:

-Learning more about religions and the possible explanations of how things fit together (different religious opinions against each other; science against religion, God's perfectness against the holocaust) makes me become less religious in some way. It also takes away illusions. Basically, the idea that the world was REALLY created in 6 days and that God is a humanoid being that lives in the clouds right above us, those are ideas that you start to doubt when reading this book. Not only that, you also think about your own naivity.

-The more you find out about one religion, the stronger your opinion gets. You don't change your mind about one religion, you basically get the confirmation for what you already found out for yourself. I'm not sure how that goes for other people, but for me, if I have heavy objections about a religion or a religious idea, finding out more only makes it worse. Trying to be idealistic and allowing yourself to see things from a believer's point of view leads to feeling disgusted. Before I knew a lot of things about some groups of people, I had more sympathy in ignorance. Now I feel that I've done research that already explains what is wrong to me.


I'm not sure what is worse: The claim of various religions that they own the only truth and the only way to salvation, or the fact that there is so much confusion and no way of knowing who is right?
But here it gets interesting again because of what I read: Another idea that I definitely buried is the idea that anything comes from God directly without any delay. I don't believe that any more. Because whatever is not written on stone plates and instead on pages was written down by a human being. If you claim that something you consider holy comes directly from God, that is nothing but speculation. It is a very daring idea to believe that through all the centuries, the words always remained the same just for you to read them. What makes you think that people would care about you (a person who would be born centuries later) if -they- know what they are making up, changing, or writing down by their own inspiration and not God's?

There is a similarity between things I read in this book about the creation of the world and the creation of the holy books. In both cases, what you read is not necessarily what really happened. Okay, so it says how the world was created, but does it have to be taken literally? Is it still possible to believe it in a fundamental way after science has always proven things wrong and made clerics reconsider the meaning? Some time ago, it was outrage to claim the world was round. Nowadays it's a known fact.
The same way that the world was probably created in a way that it fits in both with religion and science (created over a long amount of time but -not- by itself) also goes for the creation of the books. I don't believe that books are written without intentions. What about the polictical dimensions in books? If God is so merciful then why do we find words about conquering land and making slaves? I think that the people who wrote the books had some ideas that they wanted to convey, too.

Whatever made the people write down that stuff, it is not the way many people believe it was. Also, many people don't know -how- the books were written. They were written over long periods of time, and in many cases the stories in there were about events that happened long, long before the actual writing process. In many cases it's only hear-say. And about the godly inspiration, who does not feel inspired once in a while? Who does not have dreams or other experiences that give a very special impression? Everyone is able to claim anything out of personal experience. I don't think God became manifest in front of every prophet before that prophet wrote down what was spooking around in his head.

The special thing about religions is that they work in a totally different way than most other things. When you have a job, you need to know a lot about it. When you have a hobby, you need to be good at what you do or know what you do. If you want to learn, you need to know the facts. But in religion it's different. Religion is passed over from generation to generation and it's only based on feelings, even instincts. People strive for something to feel good in. They want hope beyond death. It's the one thing that humanity is always after, because through all the progress and innovation, there is no way to make the clock stop ticking.

Not sure what's the truth. I'm still trying to believe in God, because if I'm wrong about that then I'm probably not going to suffer from it if there is just nothingness after death. But I don't want to have to do with the world religions so much. It makes me a little angry that other people are happy in this naive make-believe world. They are so well off. The culture determines the yes and no, the right and wrong, the do and don't. Is that how it works? Does God judge people according to their regional religion? Does it perhaps not even matter? No, that would be too easy. There will be big punishment for the ones who are just too unlucky to know the truth.

End of 2007

Not to forget another blog entry for this month. 2007 is coming to an end. It was full of events and emotions, though not quite as big as 2006 in my opinion. 2008 will also be stronger again because of unknown things in the future. I hope there will be progress because I don't want to stand still all the time, at the same time I'd appreciate not to give myself up for my jobs etc.

I don't have resolutions for next year because I don't believe that making resolutions just for the sake of a new year makes a difference. If you want to change something, you can start anytime. If you don't, then a resolution won't make you stronger. But maybe people take it as a moment to remember that there -is- a chance to change things, so I accept the possibility.

I've neglected music a lot recently. Long time since I played an instrument. I'm not into it at the moment, maybe it's time for some new hobbies, though I still need to finish some songs sooner or later. It would be a waste if the material that exists only in my head will not be born. Not sure what it is good for but maybe it will be some sort of legacy one day.

Happy new year to everyone. Be prepared for the crazy surprises, disasters and triumphs of a new year.

Sweet or cheesy

No, this is not about food. It's about phrases. Recently, I came across some videos, texts, ideas that deal with the expression of love. Or whatever it is that people feel when they come up with overused lines. There are so many out there, wish I could collect them all and go angry about them. Well, I will mention some...

I want to be a tear, be born in your eyes, roll down your cheeks, and die on your lips

Wow...seriously? I mean, you really want to have such a short life? If that can even be called life. So you seriously want to exchange your life as a human being, the ability to be self-aware, to think and feel, you want to give up all this and just flow down on someone's face? How romantic... and pathetic. Well, guess what? It's your lucky day. The magic fairy will transform you into a tear so you can roll down your lover's cheek while he/she cries because his/her new boyfriend/girlfriend has just left him/her. What did you think would happen once you're gone?
I found this cheesy line with the tear in some video, it was made by a girl, I assume, for her boyfriend. I don't have a problem with that, everyone has their own way of expressing romantic ideas. It's just that sometimes, things sound so unreal when you are used to more.

I'd give 10 years of my life to know your name

I found this in a magazine today. An excerpt from a novel or something. It was something in two parts. A letter written to an unknown girl that a tourist has been watching during his vacation. He is too shy to approach her, but he is infatuated. The second part is how she writes back to him.
Well, what can I say? Someone who does not even know a girl says he would give 10 years of his life just to know her name. This sentence is not only naive, it is also absolutely insincere. Who would want that? Who would want to die 10 years earlier just to know a damn name? I mean, if they are supposed to come together and be happy, then he will find out the name anyway. And if not, will he forever be unhappy for not getting to know her (or her name)? Even if he gets to know her, that's where it starts to get interesting. What if they talk to each other and after 20 minutes, he realizes they don't fit together and he was so wrong being so in love. Won't he pull all his hair out for being such a fool and giving the devil 10 years of his life? What a loser... Come on, children can be so naive, but not grown up people. People who write novels!

I'd do anything for you

Another example. This one is very common among people, and you don't even need to be very cheesy or romantic to say that. It has become standard, just like that "Oh my god!!!" phrase where people use God's name but in fact they are not talking to Him, they just want to say how amazed they are (by the way, how would you feel if someone always used your name in that way while you are present to hear it - must be irritating). Anyway, what does "doing anything" mean? People associate heroic deeds with this, as if there's nothing that stands in the way of love, like they are never going to give up. But hold on for a second. How far would you really go? If your love says "eat a piece of dog shit", would you do that because you promised you'd do anything? Okay, that does not happen in real life, but I think some other things do happen. Sadly they don't happen to everyone, especially not the people who use those meaningless phrases. They'd deserve it so they see how they mock people who really must face having to do a lot for love.

I need you

Okay, this one is not only very common, even I have said this a lot. But I also need to wonder about it. How sincere is it and how much do people need each other? The strange thing is, once you cross the line, it's over with the needing part. Someone can say "I need you" one day, and the day after it appears that the needed person has cheated on that someone. There won't be any "I need you" after that in many cases. And anyway, what does "I need you" mean? Doesn't it rather have to be "I want you to be mine" or "Without you I'm nothing"? Needing someone has to do with being very lost without that person. But it does not mean that there are no limits.

I want to spend eternity with you

This is actually a nice one. Because it admits to be cheesy, at least in the context where I saw it. It was in some tv show in Singapore, and it was obviously some comedy stuff. It's nice to admit that something is cheesy. And maybe that makes it a little more sincere, doesn't it?

I could go on and on. A good question to ask would be: What does "I love you" mean? But I've thought about this already so I'm leaving it to the ridiculously small number of people who read this to think about if they haven't already.
And why did I post this? I don't know... but my guess is I'm a little annoyed about the couples who are trendsetters in love, the ones who always impress other people so much that the standard is so high. Nowadays, if you don't throw roses at someone all the time or if you hate valentine's day, you're already a big loser. Why do other people always need to be so over the top? I know how some couples watch other couples, and then the famous sentence is:"Look! Why didn't you ever do that for me?".

Now it's almost December and Christmas is coming. We are soon going to celebrate a special day. It is the reminder for humanity to cherish the day when Jesus and Santa Clause saved the retail industry. Rejoice everyone!

Halloween was a joke this year

I found this ladybird just now, this morning, on November 3rd. I really don't remember seeing any of them before this year, and it's really weird that now one of them shows up. It doesn't stand a chance outside, and I don't know how it got here in the first place. Must have been here the whole night. Poor thing. No matter where it goes, it won't live long. Maybe if it finds the kitchen, it can live a normal life. Nature is really out of balance.

Many people have been talking about Halloween and I wanna do that too. Yes, it has become a big thing over the last few years, and thinking about the good old 80s and 90s, it's a joke back then. But one thing I really noticed about this American tradition that many of us don't really like is that it also depends a lot on the media. And this year it was really ridiculous and pathetic, because first the big tv stations made a big deal out of it (again), always using those trailers for their tv programme with screams, pumpkins, spooky houses and stuff. But then what? You know what happened? No? You wanna know? Okay... they showed some Halloween-related stuff on the weekend (26th to 28th of October), then it was over. Because it's not worth it showing the Halloween movies or anything related to Halloween on the Halloween day itself. It's what I call "blocking", several big tv stations showing crappy stuff on tv because they all think it's not worth competing with great movies, so they just show crap, all of them at the same time, and thus reduce costs. I found it funny that they worship Halloween because it's a season where they can get more people to watch their movies, yet it's not worth showing stuff in the middle of the week. That's where suddenly the commercialised, americanised, dramatised event ends. A Halloween in the middle of the week is as uncommercial as All Saints day. And I noticed that with the normal people, too. I saw some children dressed up in costumes, but only once the door rang, and I'm not even sure if that was because of trick-or-treat people. Well... see how poor it is. Halloween is only a shadow of its former self, even if the tradition is still growing. No matter what a hype Halloween is, it still underlies the rules of the market. If it's not a public holiday, and not on a weekend, it sucks and just dies away that year. Maybe that is the difference between America and Europe.

Hm... not much else is worth mentioning. I'm still in this translator job and it's still okay. I didn't encounter such big problems, it was still bearable so far. I'm even getting used to things and notice how I get better in understanding the context. I suppose this job is going to last until Christmas time, then we will see. Now I'm getting a cold though. But tomorrow is a day off. That's all there is to say for now...