The year 2008

It's time for the usual end of year review. 2008 is over and it's not so easy to put into words about how I feel. Somehow it wasn't the worst that could have happened, but I still feel devastated somehow.

It was a year without any big tragedies for me. The last remaining grandparent I had died, but that was the only personal loss and not even something I really felt so sad about because it came as expected. All in all, you could say that I was not haunted by the terrible things others had to go through.

Then there is another aspect of the year that expressed itself in a way that the year went by very quickly. Not quickly as in "wow, how did this year pass so quickly again". Literally instead. There was a couple of months of unemployment here, a couple of weeks there, and once again, and in total I think I spent about 5 months at home due to this. So there was a part of the year that was kind of easy going, nothing special, just me staying at home and trying not to be too negative about not working.

I will just talk things through in order now: In January, the year started just like the year before had ended, with me pickung up the same job at the same company again. It seemed to go on like this until perhaps Easter, but instead, the job ended after, I think, not even 2 weeks. It was not my fault, just the company having financial problems. I also didn't really feel too bad about it because it was just a job and I had other things to take care of. But already at that point, I realised how the stress got to me and I was thankful for every break I could get (which would be the case several times during the year).

The first shock of the year came right then, though, and that was that a school in Singapore that offered a job training closed down the job training. It had been the one option I had decided to go for and put all my hopes into it. It was the first big disappointment that year, and one thing that still makes me angry.... Anger, by the way, could be called the third aspect of this year.

I was stressed, a nervous wreck, and had no idea what to do at that point. It seemed like all my plans just disappeared. So I had to start all over and I felt depressed because I thought it was already too late to apply for ANY job training.

Then came a phase of applications for various job trainings. It was the longest time of unemployment this year, but also a time I enjoyed staying at home because I didn't need any more stress. I was lucky enough to be invited to two interviews, and did an internship in one of them. It went well, but I don't like to look back to this company any more because I kind of lost my face. I made an insecure impression from the beginning and never really got a better reputation than that. But at least they had some sort of family atmosphere.

I could have joined this company though, and I was offered to join, but I made the biggest mistake that year, and one of the biggest in my whole life. Instead of listening to myself (going for the safest option: a company I already had an internship for) I chose to work for the other company I had only visited once. The reason was that many people said it was the better kind of job training: More money, more ambitions, more chances, everything is better. It was not like I did not make a decision myself, but how I made the decision was wrong. I told myself to go against my own principles: "Don't always make safe decisions only. Dare to be brave. Risk something once. Do it for your career. Don't make decisons based on convenience only". But the hesitation within me was not out of laziness or cowardness, it was the lifelong experience I should have listened to.

When I joined the company, I already noticed in the first week that I got myself into something bad. When I worked there, I felt so out of place and clumsy and felt like I was not fitting in there. There was no way for me not to feel embarrassed and insecure once more. I tried to shake of this habit of making an insecure impression, but it was impossible because I had no idea about what I was doing. Then I also got into trouble with one colleague, and in the end I "was left" out of the company because I was never accepted. The situation was really, really bad.

After that came another short period of unemployment, then a job at an agency I am currently still working for, and it's a job I like so far, but I also know I can't stay there because it's not always going to be as easy as it's now. And they also don't have any job trainings to offer to me. It's just not the right thing. But the main problem for me at the moment is that I don't know how to get rid of the things that 2008 brought to me.

When I think about the future, I get this feeling that I will forget 2008 because, though it was full of disappointment and also lots of free time I could enjoy, it was not really significant. I am afraid of 2009. I have always been afraid of it, and maybe it's superstition because 1999 was already bad. I always thought it would either be another best or worst year of my life.

At the moment I face an unclear future, and the worst thing are the bad feelings. On the one hand anger, regret , hate and unforgiveness towards myself and others, on the other hand hopelessness, a lack of ideas and the feeling that my story is written already... a story of someone who isn't able to get anywhere. I can't listen to people saying that nothing is decided. Because a lot of it is decided already. My CV is written to the point where I am now. I am that old, and I've lost that much time. I still have a chance, right. But I don't know as what. And once I lose another year, I lose even more chances. At the moment I am running out of things to do. I don't even know what's right for me.

2008 seems to only be the beginning of something. I must say that it was the first time in several, if not many years that I can not really call it a good year. I think between 2002 and 2007, all the years were at least mixed with lots of good things to look back to. I either completed a school year successfully or had a special time somewhere. But this year I can not really say that it felt that way. I don't even care about the stuff like "I'm wiser now" etc. It doesn't satisfy me. 2008 was not totally bad, the worst is yet to come (I feel/fear), but it made me feel bad towards the end of it.

I feel unbalanced lately, with a tendency of feel furious and sometimes deeply depressed. I feel depressed during Christmas for reasons unrelated to Christmas. I don't feel unhappy because everyone else is happy, I feel unhappy because I am not over 2008... and won't be for a long time.