To whom it may concern...

You know what bugs me? People who write news articles and make spelling mistakes. Or even putting wrong names in them. Like "Jorge Mourinho" instead of "Jose Mourinho". Or "Michael Schuhmacher" instead of "Michael Schumacher". They think they know what the people are called, but they are totally wrong and know nothing. Can't you expect from a sports article writer to know how the people he/she is referring to are called?

Much more common is that people make stupid mistakes like spelling or grammar. Most of the time words are double, like the guy is typing something, then he gets distracted, then he continues the sentence but types the last word he typed in AGAIN. And nobody reads through that article just once to check for errors. Sometimes they start a sentence, then end the sentence re-using a part of a sentence that was already used before. Or a verb comes at the beginning of the sentence and reappears at the end, making the sentence absurd.

It's okay that it happens once in a while, but I see this all the time. You know, it's not like it makes me angry in general. It's just that I think: Damn! Can I please have this job? Can I do this kind of thing to earn a living? Can you give it to me? I'm not even asking for more money, just let ME do it!
I would do it. You know, these people work on the internet, they have lots of readers, they get all the attention and often they can even really comment on things and not only have to convey facts. But the way some of them are is just unprofessional. I imagine it to be this way (and sorry again, I imagine they are all women):

A: (starts typing a sentence)
B: Hey, Angie, did you see my new shoes?
A: (stops typing) Oh! What? I didn't know that. They look cool!
B: Yeah, I was at this shoe shop with my boyfriend, but he was totally not patient.
A: Yeah, I know. Boys... at least you have a boyfriend *sighs* (resumes typing, but types one word again that had been typed before already)
B: ...Oh well...
C: Hey girls!
A+B: Hey! Nicole! How was your date last night? (A and B stop whatever they have been doing)
C: It was horrible! That guy was so annoying!
A+B+C talk for 20 minutes, then each of them quickly finished what they have been doing, adding lots of mistakes and leaving sentences unfinished.

Okay, maybe you get the idea and I can stop here. That's how I feel about these people, they sit in their office chit-chatting over everything and not even paying attention, and they are all women. Why women? Because of the way they write the articles. These articles are all about gossiping as soon as they are not mere news. You can read the bitchiness in the article without even knowing the name of the person, and you know there must have been a woman writing this. Just because of the annoying way it is written. But that is hard to explain.

Moving on... I'm trying to get a hold of my aggression. Haha. Well... it's easy to feel upset, even about little things. I discovered the only way to relax is to listen to very calm music. When I find something calm, funny or interesting, I put it as a favorite on my youtube page.
People can say that I just shouldn't be so angry. But that's too easy to say. I have aggression in my genes. My dad was a very aggressive person, even a drinker and a hell of a mad driver, he risked his life all the time doing crazy overtaking maneuvers with his children sitting in the car. Once he almost lost his life to it, and later vowed to take it easy. But I think he returned to aggressive driving. What matters is, I know where this aggression comes from. I don't think that I took it over from him, it's possible because children often solves problems the way their parents do, so it would be a way to explain, but I think it also has biological reasons. Maybe some kind of testosterone overflow, or just seeing red when things go bad. Something in the brain. I go berserk when things don't go well. If it's really bad, I get desperate attacks, I smash the keyboard, I damage the shower, I hit things and throw them around, there were times I was so desperate about my stupid homework that I got something like a nervous breakdown. And all the time I think:"I should be doing something more useful/fun right now".

I know I won't last long like this. But I'm not letting myself drown in the sweet self-pity of such a thought. I want to be healthy and not burden other people by letting them know I will die early, instead I'm going against it. There is a tendency in me to be peaceful, too. I learned how to meditate when I was still a child, maybe 11 years old. And I have started doing sports seriously. Not like before where it was just a phase of a couple of days. I am now doing bodybuilding. It has been 2 and a half months, so no fucking around, I got used to it. Today was the 51st session that I marked on my calendar. So far, I had about 15-18 sessions per month, so I trained my body sometimes 6 times a week, sometimes only twice, but I did it professionally by reading a lot about it. When I first started out, the exercises were pretty lame, I did the wrong movements, didn't know much about what matters. Now I know that it has to be done well, that I have to train all muscles and not only the ones I want to see grow, and also that the workout is only one third of the whole thing. Yes, that's right, one third. The other two thirds are eating the right food at the right time and giving the body a lot of time to rest. There is nothing more stupid than doing 2000 situps every day.

Now, after about 50 sessions that lasted between 5 minutes and 90 minutes, and after getting more and more professional at it, I can already see I did some improvement. There are muscles I didn't know of before, when I pose in front of the mirror, it looks nice, and I also lose some fat. Because that's part of it, too. You can't see certain muscles if you have loads of fat over them. I am still overweight, so I had to change my habits. I banned chocolate from the table, and to my surprise, it's not even a torture to the soul. I used to be a sugar junkie, but now I realised that these crazy hunger attacks disappear when the blood sugar level is normal for several weeks. I can only recommend to take that into account. Eating sweet things makes the body get unbalanced, and then it will try to decrease the blood sugar level, then you will suffer from an extremely low blood sugar level, and then you feel hungry for chocolate again. I eliminated this problem, and now I am barely even hugry at all! I can almost eat nothing without noticing it, but again, that would be wrong too. If I eat too little, my body goes into the saving mode and consumes less calories. So I need to force myself to eat a little at least. But that's okay, I like cooking.

Enough of that. I'm curious what it will be like in 6 months if I can keep this up. It's even okay to have a break once in a while, but I need to make sure not to injure myself.

Hm... We are reaching the end of May. The winter has died. Summer will come sooner or later. I guess it will be hot like hell, but won't last too long. We will see...

Human behaviour

In the last two or three days, it happened several times...

The bus has been at the bus stop for several minutes and is getting ready to leave the place. Suddenly a girl or woman jumps up and screams:"Sorry? Can you open the door? Can I get out?"

Looks like female impulsive behaviour. The female subject has noticed has noticed a fellow female and now has decided from one second to the next that it has to leave the bus immediately, though there has been enough time to get off the bus during the normal stoppage time.

So what's typical for male individuals? Maybe this: Two guys are on the bus talking like they are the only ones, suddenly one of them screams:"HELLLOOOOOO!!! We wanted to get off!" The bus driver screams back:"Also HELLO!" and stops the bus immediately to let them out. Either the bus driver was in a coma vigil and didn't notice he should have let them out or the guys were so busy talking that they didn't hit the push button. In any case, it means unnecessary stress to the conspecifics.

I think there is no better way of demonstrating and analysing the human nature than the everyday life events on a bus. Being on the bus is like being in the jungle. This is the real place. You can't be closer to the real action. You see all the behaviour, matching, fights, conversations, body language.

It's always great to see what's special about females and males. Of course, I can't go around the fact that guys sit like they are giving birth. That's just true and I don't know why it happens this way. Maybe they sit in an unhealthy position when they are somewhere else so they squeeze their testicles, so they need to give them extra space on the bus. But I don't think so, it's just a very strange kind of sitting position. I wish I knew why they have to sit this way, I know it's comfortable but there are only few girls who sit like this. It's just like a guy seeing another guy and then wanting to get off the bus all of a sudden. It just doesn't happen!

Or going to the toilet in public places. Would you ever expect a guy to say:"Do you want me to come with you" when another one says he needs to go to the toilet? That would be more than awkward. But it's normal with girls.

Then there are also the psychological differences. Girls permanently consider themselves more ugly than they are in the eyes of the guys. They also constantly eat less than they should. I'm not sure what's the counterpart on the male side. Maybe the fact that they misinterpret everything. Guys see sexual messages in almost every kind of body language. Every look from a girl can mean a lot, and girls who just want to be friendly are mistaken as totally interested. This is based on the problem that guys are the ones who, as society wants it, are supposed to make the first move. If a guy can only guess and guess and guess, it's hard to say if he has chances, he can not expect a girl to go ahead and say that she is interested. At least that's the biological rule, it seems. And girls, they are programmed to only be looked at and being romanced, so they are in this passive situation where they need to look good, and good is never good enough. Hence the feeling of ugliness.

So many things would be better if people overcame their biology. Girls would have to become less dramatic, more sensible, logical, responsible, practical. Guys would have to open up and show feelings, not always play the hard ones, allow themselves to cry, and also not have this you-don't-understand-me-anyway-and-it-feels-good-this-way attitude.

I don't think we will get there so soon. This society is not ready anyway. It's still normal for a woman to have a part-time job all her life because she can "hide" behind her status as a mother. A guy will be laughed at for asking for such a thing. Guys need to be real men, they need to defend the family like wild lions, as if there is a need to display manhood. Man, they need to be so tough, if it gets even tougher they turn to stone.

There is also this tendency to go back to the roots. There is one author, a woman who made career in the showbusiness as a newswoman on tv, who promotes the "eve-principle". That means, going back to being a real woman, in the kitchen, with children. I have no problem with women being women and men being men. It's very rare that men get pregnant, so there's always a point where men will be men and women will be women. But you don't have to overdo it.

Okay, now the quote of the day for each of them:

Men: *Rooaaaar* Be a man, man!
Women: Discover the goddess in you.

No, don't ask me what it means. This is the only bullshit I remember from tv advertisements.

Moments that leave you speechless...and the blood boiling to the ceiling

Let me tell you something that happened today. My cat choked on a blade of grass that she had swallowed (at least for the third time in her life now) and we had to take her to the vet, on a Friday, after 7pm.

We went there and didn't expect that many people would be there, the place was already supposed to close down for the day. We sat down, and other people were around us, still waiting. One of the people working there, a former classmate of mine, recognised me, smiled at me and said that my hair was so long. Very nice of her and it was funny how again people are so happy to see me.

Then happened something that makes me wonder what is wrong with this world. A couple entered the room, they had a cage with a cat with them, and they sat down. For a split second, I thought about saying some silly thing like "are you here because of a blade of grass, too?" but I kept my mouth shut. Later, when someone said "next one please", both me and my mum, and also the other couple stood up. I looked at them in confusion. Then the woman said "we were here first". My mum and I were more confused and my mum said that we were first. The next sentence coming from the woman was:"that is wrong, but go ahead". It made me kind of angry, this attitude of complete make-believe perfection, the arrogance to think that they are right, but they are only stupid. They were the very last ones to enter that vet place that day, nobody came after them, not a single soul. How can they claim to have been there before us?

It makes me wonder, are people completely idiotic and at the same time insisting in the most arrogant way, or are they calculating, manipulating and evil? Did they expect to fool us because we look like stupid, weak people?

There are so many more examples of this kind of behaviour. The worst thing is the way I feel helpless about it. It's as if I'm the last person who was raised differently. As if I was the last person who was beaten as a child and taught to follow authorities instead of rebelling against them. Most parents nowadays, let me tell you, raise their children in this "please don't do that" or "you won't do that, will you" way. Not in the "stop it, dammit, you idiot" way. I'm not saying that the latter is better, but this is the way I know and though it damaged me immensely (together with being beaten up), it at least made me a bearable part of society. Not someone who you have to ask twice to give way in a grocery. Or to help if someone needs help. But today, people are really, really different. Not only children, also parents. As if I was raised in a family from the beginning of the 20th century.

I don't want to be mean and prejudiced, but there is something about a lot of women that I don't understand. I've mentioned the example above, that was also typical for a woman and is hard to expect from a man, don't ask me why.
Another example is this (and I ask you to imagine this vividly): I am in a grocery, holding a bag full of things I just bought. I'm walking towards the exit/entrance area, which is kind of narrow. Near a stand of postcards, I get stuck because a woman with her little son is approaching me, and for some reason, she has to stop right in front of me and do various things, like looking around, talking to her son, etc. Not for a single, not even the slightest moment, does it seem awkward to her that I, as a total stranger, am standing right next to her and her son as if I belong to the family. It simply doesn't matter. I stand there and stand there and every second I think:"Now is the moment. Now is the moment that she tells her son to move away so the man (me) can walk by. Now comes the moment". But it doesn't come. This woman is too busy daydreaming or talking to her one and only sweet sweet boy.

Another example. I'm in the car, driving towards a crossing, and if other cars approach, I know I need to give way. There is a car coming around, so I stop my car to let the other car go by. But the car gets slower and slower. For a second, I think, maybe it's someone who doesn't know the traffic rules here, but that would be okay. But no... the car stops right in front of the crossing, without even giving any signals, and an old woman steps out of the car. Shaking my head, I hit the gas and go by once again. I can see that a woman is the one behind the wheel.

You know, the question I have is: Why are women so emotional, so caring, so "I feel so many things, and I want to know how my dad, my mum, my siblings feel. Everything is about feelings", yet they can't even act according to everyday life situations. Sometimes they are in their own world. And then it also happens that they are so into their own world that they start imagining things (see the first paragraphs of this text). Why are women all about feelings, yet they can't sympathise with strangers? Like:"How does the other driver feel if I leave him in confusion?". Don't we have feelings, too? Oh yeah, blood boiling feelings.

I really don't have a problem with women, but sometimes they freak me out. I think if I was a woman, I would really be stressed out because it takes so much concentration to just not get in someone else's way all the time.

Okay, as you know, I have problems too. I think I need some sort of therapy. It's the stress. I get totally angry easily, I feel stressed easily, and I get scared easily, AND I'm paranoid. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode and die of exhaustion at the same time...and the muscles that ache the most are the shake-head muscles.
I won't get very old this way, but I don't want to die too soon. Something has to change, also for the sake of the people who have to tolerate my behaviour. How do I go about this at all? I feel like everything is in my hands and up to me all the time. I can't allow any mistakes because I feel embarrassed often enough already. I have to pull myself together, and at the same time I can even feel scared when I hear a leaf falling off a tree (no joke, it happened one night).

The discouraging thing is that I do sports, I take baths, and it still doesn't really change much. And apart from that, I tend to feel hopeless about life. Life is only short joy and lots of Tristesse.

Ira is right. Everything is not good enough for me. The best is just good enough if I'm lucky. Maybe I ask for too much, but what can I do when the standard for happiness is set so high?

At the moment I already appreciate if strange people (women and men) don't make my blood boil... and not to mention my cat that makes stupid things on a Friday evening.
Yeah... sometimes I could cook noodles in my stomach, that's how I boil.