Update time again...
First let's try if this works...I mentioned a blog I would be working on, so I'll just mention the link here. Check THIS
Hm...it's a strange life. The things I'm running away from, they keep coming. I can't watch a comedy show on tv without being painfully reminded of religion. I can't search the internet for a song without another religious term showing up on the screen. And I can't seem to stop encountering people who insist on their own ideas and act as if everything was normal...as if it was not them who are individual, no, instead the entire rest of the world is wrong. Too many people are like that.
I don't even want to think about that any more, but as it seems, I can't cover my ears, close my eyes and sing a song to myself. The topic still comes back, no matter what I do. What sucks is that I only have one life to find my answers. If it was only my answers, that might be bearable. But things are so much more complicated and anything I do can drive me more into being lost and doomed.
Other questions come back too. What would have been if...if I had not been thrown off the horse (metaphorically) some years ago. Where would I be now. Maybe somewhere I would like to be. At the moment I would like to leave this house with its crazy inhabitants. I'm sick of my mum and my bro. This negativeness, this permanent nagging, this neverending pessimism, "terrible", "horrible", "gruesome". And the permanent feeling that I'm a loser. When I look at myself and my relationship towards family members, I feel like every person on earth could take advantage of me if they only wanted too...especially the ones who might mean something to me. Perhaps they all will. Who knows... I only know I'm not good at defending myself. I will always collapse to something, whether it's the dependence towards a person or the fact that I can sacrifice so much before it's too much for my humble demands.
There are these days when you look at life from a different angle. You ask yourself "Are these things happening because I'm a weak person? Do I not notice how far they can get only because I'm that way?". I wonder about many things. The things that I usually don't see as defeats, they suddenly do appear as defeats. As if everytime I said "yes" I didn't mean it, but someone takes advantage of me because I can't do without them.
I learned today that I'm ashamed of my roots in some way. Some things I got from my parents, grandparents, and so on. The way they raised these things into me, the way I was born with these character traits. Uncertainty, fear, dependence, idleness, control-freakiness...
I looked at some old pictures today of when I was younger. Some from when I was perhaps 10, some of when I was maybe 15. I always had a serious, stubborn, almost offended kind of expression in my face. On the one hand it gives me hope, because that how a rat looks that bites its way through all of life's problems, someone who rebels against the unfairness. On the other hand, I feel like I'm destined to be the unwanted, evil one who nobody understands and who doesn't understand anyone.
As long as I'm in doubts I still identify with myself...then I know that I'm still me. But it feels very hopeless to believe that I will be judged one day...all alone,without the help of anyone.
2 comments:
People can take advantage of you if you let them, not if they want to.
So don't let anyone do that (I don't want to be one of those people) so even if it's me then don't let me. (No one can control/change anybody.) I sense how determined you are when it comes to defending yourself. It's -not- hopeless, believe me. No, I mean, believe in yourself (coz I do).
You're stronger than you know. Please don't be afraid of the things that come and go in life. It's the only place we know we all have right now. And we are our own judge of how we choose to live it.
I'm still with you.
Mike, I won't lie to you. The world is so wrong in many ways. Just ask Tom or Ira. They know so much about that.
But it's all right. It's normal to feel out of place, out of touch, out of sync with everything. Feeling like everything and everyone around you are out to get you. And there's no one to turn to. I've been there. For me , the one place I can go to and find peace, is here on the Net. I don't know about you, but through all the ppl I've met online, I've learned a lot.
From Tom, I've learned not to take things too seriously, and it's all right to be sarcastic, as long as you know where the line is. From Mayleen, I've learned to be positive whenever I can, and appreciate what I have instead of what I don't have. From Ira, I've learned that darkness can be beautiful too, and how to solve my problems from different viewpoints (of course I'm not always successful, but I try).
You seem to know what your problems are. And you always know how to express them well. That's good, because it gives you the ability to see through it and find your way out. It's your gift. And I'm confident you can rediscover your faith and find a solution.
As far as religion goes, I've given my say on it, can't help you more than that. I'm not a very religious person, so to speak. But what I'm trying to say is....it's all right. It's all right to feel bad, wrong, depressed, self doubtful, rebellious, unwanted, fearful and what not. You're not alone. That's the lesson I hope you already know. You have people who care, and who listen, and who will help you. You can count on them, you can trust them. In the end, you may think you have to face your demons alone. Maybe so, but your friends will help arm you with the tools you need.
Forgive me if I sound cryptic or this comment doesn't quite give you what you sought. But I am trying, Michael.
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