More about me

Hi again,

I didn't say much about who i really am and under which circumstances i live.
I live at home (whatever that means) with my mum and bro. This brother is about to become 18 years old, which is hard to believe. I remember as if it were yesterday when we played video games at the age of 17 and 12. Haha...
I'm a musician,that's what has been important for me for a couple of years now. But i'm not the kind of musician who can play songs well on a piano or guitar. I suck technically, and a lot of ppl can sit down on a piano,play some great classical pieces of music using both hands,playing different things at the same time, and thus make me look like a beginner. Yes,that's something where i'm not good at. But on the other hand, and that's not just my opinion because if someone is self-critical,then it's me, people who think that this makes me a lame musician are probably not entirely right. My hidden strength is (or was?) that i can write songs. Yeah i know,a lot of ppl can write songs. I was lucky to know someone who has his own studio,so i could record these songs, and i arranged them too. When i write a song,i don't just think of the singing and guitar,like most ppl would do. I hear the song,and then all the ideas come one by one. I want to create a perfect landscape of sounds,and i want a perfect image in the end. What i wanna create is more than an experiment and more than a simple song. It has to work. And i need to find the balance between a song that simply asks the listener to hear its melody and a big experimental sea of weird sounds that are sometimes crazy. Many musicians forget what's important,they are either too much in love with the few words and notes they create,so the music gets boring and the quality suffers,or they fall in love with effects,sounds,noises,and end up forgetting that music is about how it makes the listeners feel.
My idea of music is this: A great melody and chords that fit to it. And then,you have to put everything else around this. You have to carry the ppl with you. What has to come out in the end is not what the musician wants...it's what the inspiration,the music and the ear want.

What else can i say...hm...
I started as a creative mind. The half of the brain that is intuitive,creative,daydreaming...that's kind of what i was like at the beginning. In the late 90s,when i was introduced to video games by my dad, the first creative process that made me aware of my will to be creative was a video game called World Grand Prix. A racing game. It had a function where you could edit your own race course. And that was where it got interesting. Coz i'm not a musician or movie director in the first place. I only love to create something new. That's my point.

At school,i was good at creative things...mostly writing stories. Once a teacher advised me to go for becoming an author. But things have changed and i feel like i lost some of my creative power. I seem to never find the right words. In english,it even goes so far that i hate myself for not finding the right words to start with. I start sentences with "I", "And" or "But", and you probably realized that already. Argh!

Since a couple of years ago,i also like to think a lot. I philosophy about life, i imagine scenarios of my future, analyze my fears,neurosis,ideas...and i read psychology books. I did some lucid dreaming,if you don't know what it is,find it out. For ppl who have an interest in dreams,it's worth the experience. But you really have to be interested to make it happen. 50% effort won't help you. In the long run,lucid dreaming is hard to make it happen coz you lose motivation,though it would really be worth doing it.

One of my habits is to walk around at night and sit down on a hill to watch the stars and the city lights. Then i think about life and how the past changed me. Happens every few months,depending on how life has been to me. I often think about the year when it ends,September is one of my thinking months,and the first of them too. Coz the year has gone far enough to show if it was a good or bad year. I'll come to that in a detailed way in a later post.
One of the reasons why i ended up in depressions was that I couldn't deal with the questions i had to life. And i could only get out of the depressions by letting the questions rest. One question is about the meaning of life,connected with religious aspects. I wonder how i can believe,truely believe in a god when i get punished for it with depressions. Or how i can believe in a religion in general...when all could be wrong. I try hard to tell myself that the answer will come,like all answers so far came. And dreams that came true,dreams i never dared to believe in. But what i'm afraid of is that i wait too long,then something terrible happens,and i lose the chance to find the answer in time.

So much for now. I will throw a lot of questions into the cyber world. You can think about everything yourself. Do you avoid to ask these questions,or did you find your answers already?