After years of blogging on this platform in a half-private, yet heavily censored way, I've come to the conclusion the I desperately need an ultra private blog.
There is no online aspect needed, but still it's a simple way and easier than the old-fashioned diary. I once got a diary as a gift when I was a boy, with a lock and all, but I just never started writing down thoughts, and I've often regretted that.
I'm this guy who needs to look back a lot and analyze what kind of thoughts were going through my head years ago. Not just to help my own memory, but also because scientists confirmed that memories are heavily distorted over time.
I'm also not happy about Going Home as a blog. I see it as a blog that's there for entertainment purposes. Some deep thoughts are in there somewhere, but I mostly look at the blog to laugh my ass off over funny things I wrote. But there were times when I was angry I couldn't just write down all the thoughts I had. Somehow, there has been self-censorship going on, mainly because there are people out there who might read this blog and I don't want them to, even though I'm keeping this platform open. There are especially critical thoughts on religion, for example, that I had to hold back. If certain people knew about these things, I might get a modern day version of being crucified.
As you can imagine, there are some much more personal thoughts than only religion. And when it comes to those, I don't just write them all down for everyone to read either. But I need a place where I can, because without such a place, it's all stored in the subconscious mind like a garage full of crap. And then, half a year after having a certain thought, experience or idea, I don't even remember if that happened, how it happened or if I'm just making things up.
Right now, my frustration level is very high. The only comforting thing is knowing that it's actually pretty normal for a guy in my situation to feel this way. The set of circumstances could be better, but the way things are now, my reaction is normal.
When I start private blogging, I'm going to set the blog to total privacy. On top of that, I'm going to register the blog somewhere totally different and not use any previously used email or anything like that. I can't let any paranoia get in the way now. I need to write down every detail of how I feel and what's on my mind. Even the stuff that "shouldn't" be there and that's disappointing for me to accept.
It's no different from having a real book as a diary, but typing is easier than writing and I also don't want these things to be restricted to a specific computer that might break down and lose all data. So why not a blog?
I might still dump a few crappy and useless thoughts on this unread blog here, too. But I won't bother putting content here that is cut in half due to concerns over who is reading this, or writing down things I have to modify to be not too revealing.
So... yeah. I guess I'll end this blog post with the most useful word in the english language: Whatever.
