Ready to fight (?)

How do I start this post?

I went through a lot of feelings today. And I don't think I really let out any of them so much. The part that is very hard to understand is what triggers a feeling. Why do I feel threatened all of a sudden, or why do I suddenly feel hate within 5 minutes and don't even realize where it came from or what the hidden trigger was. When I look back then, I can only recognize certain symbols, objects, all kinds of things, sometimes even chains of associations, like how a certain person symbolizes prejudice, at the same time a certain group, and this group is like that, and that goes on and on...
If only I could tell myself that my feelings are unjustified, what a great relief that would be. But the problem is that I won't be all wrong about my thoughts. I do realize that I'm wrong sometimes, but no matter how I turn things around, some things always stay the same. Like a cube, you can turn it around, it still has the same shape, even if you don't see all of them at the same time.
When I was very angry today I decided to rush into more craziness, so I watched a video on youtube that I expected would either make me more angry by confirming that my arguments are applying or it would disarm me. The video was mostly a guy standing in front of an audience talking about many different things. First my attitude was totally hostile and I was ready to use everything he said only against his position. Within a few minutes, he had commanded my respect, although in the end it was all relativized again so I'm not that much wiser than before. He got bonus points for pointing out the problem and that was something I admired, but later he said things that either sounded outdated, not entirely right or even highhly doubtable. Apart from all this, he promised to answer more questions than he later would, and the questions that were burning in me were not considered.

Some things are remaining and always will remain. There are facts that nobody can deny. One of them is that you cannot prove the truth. Sadly the reply will be "but I own the truth and I present it to you". But let's leave that out. Fact is: Nobody can know the truth for sure. Another fact is, there are several parties fighting and claiming to have the truth. They are all accusing each other of being wrong so the best thing you can do is take a huuuuuge step aside and look at all of them in a fair way. You don't need to tell your parents about it!

There is comfort and uncertainty in those facts. The comfort is that nobody can tell you "if you don't do this, you don't stand a chance". Because how would anyone know anyway? The uncertainty is that all can be right, all can be wrong. You either spend all your life trying to be good, yet you're not good enough, or even don't get anything coz what you hoped exists is only a fairytale. You can also do the opposite and then you are either lucky or you're not. Hard to say which way is best, being in the middle is probably not a good idea though.

Maybe I can relax because today I've made progress in my quest for finding a little bit of truth. Of the little truth that can be found, I might have found some. The only truth we can own is the truth of knowing that it is impossible to know. So everything that is based on that can be true if the thinking is right.

I've decided to argue if necessary, because I have a right to do so. I'm getting a little stronger and I noticed that it's better to do things the right way - and risk some things - than to do it the wrong way just to achieve something. Even -I- must prove that I'm not willing to let myself down, that's right. Maybe my enemies are not my parents right now, but there are still enough people out there who will be opponents. It doesn't have to be a hostile way, there is still space to argue. But conflict is conflict. I've thought a lot today and the outcome is that I'm more confident to just speak out how I feel and then we can see what happens. People either accept my thoughts and concerns, and try to do something, or they totally reject them but thus let me win the fight. I want to be understood and once I've made it clear, I can always fall back on that and say "I told you that this is how I feel. I'm asking you how we go about this problem now". It's a good thing to know that it's a strategy. If they offer a compromise or some kind of admission, that is a dignified way of letting all parties benefit. If they go straight against me, that will prove that I was right. I only need to prevent it from happening that people put me into the role of the commiter. It is not me who wants to rebel or disagree, I'm the one who is seeking for the right way to do things and I'm the one who's flexible within my own limits.

I'm trying not to forget what really matters. It's funny how people on this planet argue so much about something that people like me even don't care about the center of it all, the thing we argue about. The most personal things are being so politicised and taken in, even stigmatised with words that we feel disgusted. And it's all the humans. It was supposed to be that we all believed in God. Nowadays we can't even pray to God if we don't take a minute to think about how we call that god. What kind of god is it, what's the name?

That is one of the big crimes of our world. And another crime is how they make decisions for others. There could be no worse thing. I can only say it again and again, in my country it's the history classes in school where we learn what it leads to when all people just follow one person who says he knows what's the right thing to do. If you know what I mean. It's pretty simple. You just stop thinking. Other people can do the thinking. They burn the bad books and hold the good books high. You are only a small wheel in the machinery, receiving orders, so who should hold you responsible for anything?

I wish they would all shut up. I dream of a world where opinions are so widely spread that anyone can get along with another random person and that the attitude is not already visible on the skin or culture or background of the person. It's easier if people stop hiding behind their organisations. A world that is de-centralised and doesn't need spokespeople and opinion-makers that talk of "them and us". Man, it's a shame this isn't possible.

No, I cannot change the world we already live in. But I can say how I feel. I'm not going to be ashamed of my decisions, or even of my opinions any more. If I decide to hide things, then only if it's to my benefit and it's my own decision, and not because I feel afraid. I have to fight this stupid system. Not with rebellion... but I have to fight against the brainwashing that this whole system radiates. As if we have to be ashamed of what we are. I'm not going to offend where I'm not offended, I will only be honest and try to get my point across peacefully as long as my patience is still there. After all I'm human.

We will see anyway. The wisdom of the day is: People can only repress you if you let them. I'm going to rely on myself then. I don't expect anyone's mercy if my decision is not liked. But I'm not going to be the fool, either. I've played this game long enough...

Employment Agency: The Legend Begins

As a good reader you already know I've mentioned the employment agency before. Now I decided to name the posts after the agency itself because I think it will become a series of posts. Just to catch up with what happened, I will write down my personal history with them.

It started many years ago when I went there first. There's actually not much to say. Comments like "you don't know what you want" or "if you present yourself like this, you won't get any job" were the first encouragements I got. When I went there, it was always to receive information, but what I got was that I should look for it myself. Basically their only responsibility seems to be to get people work... but don't get me wrong, I'm only talking about the people who already sit in the offices of THAT building... not the people who seek help there.

Last time I went there, I asked for help in a way that I wanted to know what my options are. I was more prepared than before because I could say what I did, what I will do and what I want, roughly. Then this lady told me to wait for a phone call where they will help me out, I also mentioned I might want to have an advisory session where they help me (once again). She asked me when I have time to be called on a thursday, I told her, and in the blink of an eye I had a red piece of paper in my hands with the respective date... well, not quite, it was a tuesday instead, but mistakes happen.

Now was the magic day. One of the days that always show how well this agency functions. I was home early enough, and my imagination was that I would talk to a person who will listen to my problems, say that it's too much to talk about on the phone and that we should make an appointment for a real conversation. I knew from talking to the lady that I should only receive the call, therefore I thought all that would be there to do was to be prepared for the phone conversation in the same way that I had talked to the lady. Okay... the conversation went like this:

Me: *says my name*
Agent: Hello, I'm *very quick, not understandable words* from *can't understand* for work. You were asked to be called back, so I can note your details for being announced jobless *more strange words*. Do you have time now?
Me: Yes, I have time.
Agent: Where were you born?
Me: Leonberg.
Agent: ...Leonberg?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Your date of birth is 12 January 1983?
Me: Yes.
Agent: Alright. What is the number of your pension insurance?
Me: ......Oh........ I don't know.
Agent: ............................................... What is your bank number?
Me: Ummm..... I don't have that here now.
Agent: Okay.... what about your curriculum vitae?
Me: *Wondering what exactly he means about it. Maybe he wants me to have a completely written out version of it?* Um.... no, don't have anything available right now.
Agent: Hmm... well, you need those details. I should call you back another time. Is Thursday morning okay?
Me: No, I have school then.
Agent: When are you at home on Friday? Or do you have to work then? (Why work?)
Me: Oh... after 2:30.
Agent: Monday maybe, 3:30pm?
Me: Yes, okay. Um... so I need bank number, pension insurance number and what exactly about the CV?
Agent: Just what kind of work you had so far, what kind of training, and so on.
Me: Alright. Okay.
Agent: Okay, thank you. Bye.
Me: Thanks, bye.

Bureaucracy at its best. Okay, someone who's well organized would have known his bank number by heart. Someone who expects the unexpected or is experienced will have his pension insurance number ready. But come on, nobody who expects a simple phone call will have a list of work and training stations of his career ready just because that woman the other day said "you will be called back". I mean, I had no idea what to expect, and I actually expected something else than someone typing down my details so I can officially call myself member of the club of the unemployed. My central aim was not have to be unemployed, I'm looking for solutions. Now it looks like they either got it wrong, or they don't care, or maybe it's just a very complicated procedure that goes on and on with more formalities. I'm curious what kind of embarrassing situations await me, with more and more numbers, dates, details asking to be told, without me knowing them. At least this is how it works here.

There are other authorities where things work differently. There was one where I was shown what to do as if I was a kindergarten child. Even with pictures and everything. Amazing, I felt a little strange when that happened. Now it's the total opposite, lack of information, possibly lack of knowing what's going on there. They are so busy sending files of people around that the basic information, what does the customer want, gets lost on the data highway.

I'm sure I will write about this again. Will Mighty Mike survive the jungle of bureaucracy? What other authorities will make his life difficult? Does bureaucracy cause cancer? Who invented it? Many more questions to come...

Mouse in the house

My cat brought a mouse home and caused my mum to go crazy, screaming like a hysterical idiot. Very annoying when you consider that it's only a childhood fear, just like many other feelings imposed on people through childhood.

The mouse was very intelligent, it ran away to hide at places where it's hard to reach. It was also very fast. After more than half an hour of fighting it, together with a confused and very stupid looking cat, we had to give up because the mouse was nowhere to be seen. It must have escaped without any of us knowing.

Cute animal, I must say. Too bad that it's not compatible with my mum and the cat.

This entry shows that I don't have much to say. I had a dream of getting a test back which was graded with an E. Big shock. Let's hope it won't become true. Also some dream about my girlfriend that I can't recall at all, I only know there must have been something.

The first visit to the employment agency was okay, the only mistake that happened there was that the date the lady there mentioned and the date she wrote on a small card differ from each other. So I don't know which date she meant, I only know someone will call me on the phone. But it's okay, I know how hard it is to work in a service job, so I won't go against such people if I can. At least not them, but I will see what the job advisors have to say.

I have cardiovascular problems at the moment, when I get up from a seat, I feel dizzy, and in general I wanna sleep all the time but I can't. Not all the time but often. Not sure what's wrong, it feels like it gets worse year by year. Strange... and the weather isn't even so difficult, it's quite okay.

That's all for now.

A principle of life

Today I got reminded of one of the basic principles of life. The principle of "Something is always lying around where you can see it but when you are looking for it, it's gone". There are different levels of this. The most basic and most obvious way of it is when it's about objects in your house. You have lots of things lying around that you don't need, but they are there for a reason. Things like magazines, screws, certain tools, anything that might be useful but most of the time you don't need it. Then comes the magic moment. You remember reading something in book X, remember seeing the fly swatter somewhere (you need it at night when the stupid blood suckers come), or you look for hammer Y or screw Z because there is something to nail into the wall. But you look and look and the object isn't anywhere to be seen. That is the crazy principle. Whatever exists is only there when you don't need it and disappears when you need it. The level of human relationships that this principle applies to can be described with the words "Why do we never know what we got till it's gone". It's the same logic.

But it also applies for other things, like jobs. I want to explain this. In the last months I've heard it many times that there are jobs that pay very well while not asking for much in return. They don't ask for qualification, they don't ask for job interviews, they just take you if you're motivated. The only catch is that the work is boring, but that's okay because you need the money. I've heard it from someone at my former work place, then I've heard it at my school, even my mum's colleague did such a job! Okay... so I thought, if she can earn 2000 euros in 5 weeks, then I can do that too. By the way, her occupation back then was to put car seats together. Supposedly a very boring yet lucrative job.

Now I checked the internet sites of some agencies that deal with jobs, one of them being the site of our beloved, sweet-scented, dulcet, rejoicing employment agency. Oh, dear readers, these people are my soulmates. I can tell you, they are great people. How I appreciate their advice. They are famous for their encouragements such as "If you present yourself like this you won't get a job" or "You don't even know what you want" or "Why don't you just search for something in the computer?". *Sighs* How I miss their words. So competent yet personal and loving. I hope they earn a lot of money for their work. If I could earn my money like this, just critizising people and still wondering why we have 10% unemployment, I'd feel honoured.

Well, their internet site isn't great either. It's very confusing, undetailled, doesn't give you much information. Their search functions demotivate you. And above all, they don't seem to contain any of those wonder jobs that I've been told about.

Now I will do something I don't do a lot, but this blog will testify that I was right. I hereby predict that they will look at me in a weird way, laugh at me or tell me that such jobs don't exist when I come to them to ask them face to face. Okay, now you've read it. Let's see what happens. I think they will say:"Sorry, such jobs don't exist. Why do you think we have so much unemployment? If such a job existed, everyone would want it". Yeah, sure. But why do other people always seem to get those jobs and I only hear about them in legends?

Yeah, it sounds like a legend. There was a guy named William Wallace who earned 2000 euros in 5 weeks. They call him Workhard.

I'll see what will happen. Can't get rid of the impression that the bad employment agencies we have and the 4 million unemployed people are in some kind of relation... not only that they need to go to the agencies, they probably stay unemployed because of them. Another example: You search for "Job center [name of city]" and get hundreds of hits, yet the only thing that's missing is the address of THAT job center itself. You hear about the job center in legends, you read about it on internet sites, yet there is not a single link to this legendary job center. Wow... great public appearance.

I'm supposed to not start with conspiration theories because I seem to have the reputation that I see bad signs everywhere and that everyone is against me. You need to know this is really how I think sometimes, or used to think. It really gets to me sometimes coz some things really -are- strange. Anyway, I only wanted to state here what I predict will happen. The problem is there are only 400-euro jobs, but I want more, much more than that. Let's see what happens. I'm already looking around for my options.