The connection between suffering and luck

I think I know why I am more lucky than other people. Perhaps I'm so lucky because I can't say 'no' when I found something to go for. Maybe I'm so infatuated into my ideas and ideals of life that I go to extremes,until it totally hurts. Maybe I am so idealistic that it sometimes gets me the luckiness of the diligent,and sometimes the terrible hurt of the one who dreamed too much, who believed too much into the goodness of life.

I find myself getting back to the point when I want to throw everything away. It's one of the most scary moments when I sense this emotion, the feeling that I'm so close to giving my whole life up. Giving up,running away, hiding somewhere where no one can see me.

The price of a good life,the price of meeting wonderful and inspiring people is that it sometimes costs a lot more than an ordinary life. And sometimes it even costs my own values. Then I can decide between doing what is right,which is what would make me feel proud because I am loyal to my values,and doing what I have to do to get the chance of being happy (= being lucky?). It's a fascinating question,and for everyone who ever gets to this point where he/she has to make the choice between two things that are both right and wrong, it's something they will remember.

But sometimes I also think, if I make the choice that doesn't accord with my values, while someone else makes the opposite choice (for the own values), and it both contributes to one and the same thing...then is my choice even respectable at all?

Yes...think about it.

There is at least one thing that gives me hope. Right now. I know that whenever I had to go through humiliating moments,it later helped me to be good at something,or to achieve something. You'll never even experience half as much humiliation as I already did back in the year when I lost my faith (something that also strangely saves me now). In some way what happened back then broke me apart,and made place for something new. Maybe that is the only way that I can succeed. I have to go through bad times over and over,and when I can look into the mirror again, I finally feel glad again that I can do the things I like. But to be honest, I'm also afraid that I will one day go too far. But hey...it's alright. I got the message...I'm born to suffer. And it's okay, I get a lot of good things in return. Maybe I have to accept it,swallow it, move on. This world doesn't have any space left for people who want to fight for what's right. It's not a place for people like that. Not as long as there is black and white, east and west, and all that has to do with that. There will always be a loser. And see...Unfortunately I'm a guy. In many situations considered a boy. But when it comes to "taking it" or "dealing with it", they call me a "man". And a man has to take it. I'm the one who has to work, who will be asked to protect and feed the family. Yeah. If you think this is not the world we live in,then you are wrong. Whether it's an old, based on traditions kind of system,or the new world. It works the same way.

So yeah. I think I can identify with this. I am the man here, I'm the one who has to be strong. I have to take all the pain even if it is only by not telling bad things to other people,instead rather keeping them and suffering until I've earned myself a good life,a good wife,a ferrari, a palace. Suffer yourself to success. Sacrifice yourself to success. You know what? When I get sarcastic enough, I even start to believe it.

Falling apart

Is 23 an age when you notice how you're getting older and sick easily? I lost a filling on one tooth on the night from friday to saturday, so I have to get a dentist appointment quickly. Apart from that, my right eye is so swollen that I couldn't open it this morning without the help of my fingers. Now it's only half open and I have to see a specific doctor for that too. And then I need immunisations for my trip (not my own decision,but my mum wouldn't stop pushing me). So that makes three doctors. If I have to go to one more doc,the one after that would be included: The psychatrist.

[insert title here]

So, some people are interested to see if online relationships work. I'm curious too...

I wish I didn't have to work. The creativity has come back to me to some degree, I have several songs in mind to record. At least one of them was inspired by a dream some time ago. It was a dream that perfectly described one of my basic fears...to just watch how other people get everything,while i'm standing there...standing there and not taking part. Either as a sacrifice because they need these things more than i do,or because i'm the one who was born to lose. The title would be "Bystander". That's clear already.
Reminds me of this other dream I had long,long ago. About Marit. A miraculous dream and at the same time a song that just popped up in my head.

There are a lot of good things to mention too. But I don't know how much sense it makes to the ones who read this. I got some answers recently, a little bit of hope. Nothing too big yet,but it's nice...some signs that tell me there is a reason behind everything. Not for me to know yet, but if I'm strong enough, just if, then i'll get to understand one day.

I must go now and fill my mind with something/someone beautiful.

~Toodles

Exponential increasement of appearances of good events

Dear readers,

Why is life sometimes so perfect and all good things come together. Not that I would complain, it's just strange to me. It feels unusual because from what i'm used to it only happens once in a long time that something really good comes up,so why are there so many things going well now?

Is it because I'm in love? I don't think so. Let's look at the facts. It started getting good in 2002, when I got to record my first song. It gave me a lot of confidence,but I was still insecure,and I still am. Today for instance, I talked to the secretary at my next year's school (probably,not decided yet) and the convo went like this:

Me: And there are chances internationally,yes?
Her: Yes.
Me: Yes? Oh, that is really...that is not bad,yes...yes...hm...
Her:...
Me: Hm...yeah....what else did I want to ask.

Okay,back to things going well. The first song I recorded was finished in 2003. Back then, I also met a lot of my online friends, and many of them have become very important in my life up to a crazy point...amazing what can happen. I had a great time,and I also did quite well at school. The next thing I know is we're in 2005, I graduate, meet my biggest idol, start with a job that I like after some time, job that gives me something and makes me become a stronger person. Through all this, I know that someone loves me, and that I will get to look forward to something with her. And maybe I can say that this is what keeps me going. The motivation. And a lot of happiness. But still no explanation for why things go so well. Happiness is one thing, but things falling into place is something else. Because now I even don't get problems with finding a place to study next year. They even said I don't have to deal with math coz "there is no math". Damn. Why did all the other jobs have math in them without exceptions,and now it's the most normal thing in the world to not have math. But hey, I don't complain.
It's not only that things go well and i'm happy...I seem to radiate as much happiness as Chernobyl radiated unhealthiness. At work, I smile a lot. People say "you smile so much" and then I say "it's a beautiful day. I have to smile". Haha. That's so not me,but things change. The biggest miracle about me as a person is that i changed from a pessimist to an optimist. It was a long change and I've been an optimist with a careful attitude for very long,even longer than I am really lucky. So that means something.

Anyway. Sleep is important. People out there, remember to appreciate it when things don't get worse...that means you keep a lot that means something to you.